Safe in His Arms
by Anath Tsurugi
Summary: On the night of his coming of age, Kili was abducted and assaulted by a figure from his past. Twelve years later, he and Fili join their uncle in the quest to reclaim Erebor. What nightmares still haunt the young prince? And what secret shame does the king in exile conceal? Companion piece to A Night in His Arms. (Durincest, Dwori, mild Bagginshield)
1. Part One

(A/N) Hello, this Anath Tsurugi reporting to you live from the other side of a fever of a hundred. So I suppose we can chalk how messed up this is to the fact that I was quite ill while writing it. For those of you who read 'A Night in His Arms', this is an expansion of that world. It's not a fully linked narrative, as it serves as both a prequel and a sequel, and while you don't need to have read the first story to understand this one, it will certainly enhance your enjoyment of it.

Warnings: This story will contain instances of sexual abuse against a child. If you've not the stomach for that, then I would advise you not tackle it. There will also be other instances of rape, torture, abuse, dealing with trauma, and the repression of memories. There is also, of course, the Durincest that is par for the course in my work. Hopefully, you are suitably warned should you choose to proceed.

**Safe in His Arms**

_Part One_

_Slowly he bends Kili's legs up, exposing his entrance. Then he very gently, very slowly pushes a finger inside._

_ "Therin…Therin…please…please don't do this. I can't…I'm not…not ready. Please…please stop," he begs._

_ "Shh, shh, Kili…I know it hurts now, but it __**will**__ get better. You'll feel good. I would never hurt you, Kili. I love you. _**_I love you._**_"_

_ He continues to weep and beg as Therin stretches him, preparing him to take him in. Nothing sways him, though. Therin just continues to smile at him…adoring…loving…__**insane**__…and when he seems to think Kili sufficiently open, he bends over him and presses a kiss to his entrance._

_ "Soon. Soon we will be one, Kili," he whispers, kissing him several times._

_ "Stop…stop…please just stop. __**Please.**__ No…no…"_

_**Mahal…Mahal…Fili…please…anyone…**_save me!

_But no matter how much he prays, no matter how much he screams or cries…it seems that no one is coming. No one will save him._

Kili awoke from the nightmare with a harrowing scream. Bolting upright in his bedroll, he began to tear at his skin, struggling to banish the feeling of Therin's fingers from his body.

Almost immediately, Fili was awake and at his side, hands on his shoulders.

"Kili! Kili, wake up!"

"_NO!_" he screamed in terror, trying to shove him away, not really seeing him. "Don't touch me! Please…please stop! Don't do this! _NO!_"

"Kili, it's _me!_ It's Fili! It's your brother," he soothed, taking Kili's face in his hands and pressing their foreheads together. "He can't hurt you anymore, Kili. I'm here now. I'm here. I'll protect you," he said, breathing a sigh of relief as Kili's struggles finally began to subside and he collapsed into his brother's gentle embrace.

"Fili…" he whispered, his voice still harsh with fear as he clung to Fili.

"It was only a nightmare," Fili soothed, running gentle fingers through Kili's hair as he cradled him close. "He's gone now. Therin can't hurt you anymore. You're safe. You're safe, Kili."

"Fili…Fili, he…he _touched_ me. He was going to…he wanted me to…_oh, Mahal!_" he sobbed brokenly, clinging to his lover all the tighter.

"It's all right. Everything's all right now. I'm here to protect you," he continued to soothe, gently easing them both back down onto their bedrolls. As Kili continued to tremble and weep quietly, Fili began to hum a lullaby for him, rocking him and humming for him until he at last began to calm. Fili could feel the eyes of the other members of the company on them, but he didn't care. All he cared about was getting his brother calm and resting peacefully once more.

When Kili finally dropped back to sleep, Fili pressed a tender kiss to his forehead before disentangling himself from his brother. No doubt Thorin would want a word. Moving quietly, he tucked Kili in beneath both his blanket and his own. Dropping one more kiss on his forehead, he quickly moved off into the darkness.

Sure enough, Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, and Gandalf were all waiting for him a few paces from the camp.

"Another fit?" Thorin asked him, his tone solemn. Fili nodded.

"Yes."

"They're getting worse," Balin noted.

"They are."

"Bofur and Bifur have gone to scout the perimeter. Fili…this cannot go on," Thorin said, resting a hand heavily on his nephew's shoulder.

"What would you have me do, Uncle?"

"If he cries out at night again, we may not be so lucky. Nothing's happened tonight, but if it keeps up, he may well bring an orc pack down on us the next time."

"What do you want of me? Would you have me take him back to Ered Luin? You _cannot_ rob him of this chance, Thorin. Kili has felt weak in your eyes ever since it happened. He _needs_ this. He _needs_ to be able to prove himself to you. You _cannot_ take it away from him."

"Fili…maybe you need to consider what's best for your brother. Who's he going to prove himself to if he's _dead?_" Thorin asked, taking Fili by both shoulders. Fili felt himself beginning to tremble, despair weighing heavily in his heart.

"I don't…know why this is happening _now._ It's never been this bad before."

It had been twelve years, almost to the day, since Kili's sixty-fifth birthday…since he had been kidnapped, drugged, and nearly raped by an insane old dwarf.

Most of the time, Kili seemed to be doing fine. He would talk to Fili or Oin whenever he felt overwhelmed by it. He hadn't been injured during the assault. The scars from the attack were invisible ones, and on occasion…once every few years or so, he would wake screaming from a night terror, as if the time had never passed and he was still sixty-five. Only now, in the past few months alone, there had been five separate incidents, including this most recent one. It was getting harder and harder to calm him when he woke in a fit.

"I know this isn't easy," Thorin said softly. ""It shattered something in all of us…what happened…but you either need to find a way to keep him calm, or the two of you need to return to Ered Luin before we make the Misty Mountains."

Fili looked hurt, but he finally nodded before heading back to his brother. He knew Thorin was right, after all.

"Can you really afford to be culling members from a company so small?" Gandalf asked the three dwarves as he puffed peaceably on his pipe. The three glanced between each other, none of them quite certain what to say.

"It's jus' no' fair…takin' this chance away from them," Dwalin muttered, not quite directing it at Thorin, but there was really no one else he could be speaking to.

"What _happened_ wasn't fair," Thorin said, his gaze weighted down by grief and guilt. Balin eyed him for several moments before speaking.

"You've still not told the lads the truth, then?"

"How can I?" Thorin spat bitterly at the elder dwarf. "Telling them the truth won't make anything better. It will not change what happened."

"No, it won't…but it might help them heal…even if only a little."

Gandalf raised his eyebrows in interest, slipping into the conversation without really seeming to. "And just what is this truth that needs telling, my good fellows?"

"You know…what happened, of course," Thorin started hesitantly, his voice stiff with misery. "Kili was…defiled…on the night of his coming of age. He and Fili believe…the dwarf responsible was merely a no account vagrant…an exiled guard who'd somehow developed a sick obsession with Kili."

"It isn't true?" the old wizard prompted when Thorin failed to continue.

"No," Thorin answered, not looking at him. "The truth is…we know exactly why Therin became obsessed with Kili…and it was in our power to stop all of this before it began."

"So…who was this dwarf?"

"Therin was…beloved of my younger brother…who died at Azanulbizar."

"Frerin?"

"Yes. They grew up together…and their love was only just beginning to flower when Frerin was struck down. After losing him…Therin lost his mind. I didn't realize just how badly until we discovered what he was doing to Kili."

"Doing? You mean…what happened twelve years ago?" Gandalf pressed, finding his choice of words somewhat strange.

"No. It began when…when Kili was a child. Only he knows for certain how long it went on…and he has forced himself to forget most of it…but when he was still very young, we discovered him naked in Therin's bed…covered in…in his…"

"He'd raped him?" the wizard pressed, eyes dark with anger.

"Not…not in the eyes of the law. He was not…known; he came away from Therin's bed a virgin…but Therin freely confessed to…doing things to him…with him. Kili has always borne a rather…striking resemblance to his uncle and…Therin claimed that his beloved lived again…that Frerin had come back to him…come back from death. He said that Kili was his…and that when the time came, he would claim him."

"And so he did."

"Yes. I don't know how much of that Therin remembered…by the time he stole Kili away from us. The dwarf we found in their chamber that night had completely lost touch. His entire reality had become focused on Kili. Either way, what happened that night…that's my fault," Thorin said, face contorted with pain.

"Thorin," Balin tried to step in.

"It is. You _know_ it is. When we found little Kili…like _that_…I should have _killed_ Therin…but I spared his life…in memory of the dwarf my brother loved. I only banished him…under pain of death, should he ever return…a sentence that Fili unknowingly carried out. Kili suffers now…because of _my_ weakness…and I cannot allow him to be led to his death because of it."

"And ye don't think it might help the boy to know this…to at least understand _why?_" Balin challenged.

Thorin sighed heavily, his eyes slightly red. "The truth is I'm a coward…and I can't bear to face them. I can't bear the thought of the hurt in their eyes…when they learn that I could have stopped it all from happening…years ago."

"Well, I'm forced to agree with you on that one, Thrain's son. Knowing the full truth of what happened to him would surely heal Kili most of all," Gandalf said, puffing out the last bit of weed in the pipe. "Unfortunately, it's not for me to instruct you on how to deal with your own family affairs. It may ease the fits, though…to be able to confront the reality of what he went through. Perhaps something still haunts him…something he cannot understand…because he _doesn't_ know the truth. Your nephew has a right to heal, Thorin Oakenshield. Think on that," he said before heading off into the darkness to who knew where.

"So what are ye goin' to do?" Dwalin asked after a lengthy silence. "Ye know the old fox is right."

"Maybe…maybe so," Thorin said, gaze drifting off to where Fili lay with his brother, cradling his sleeping form in loving arms. Perhaps…if the fits continued to get worse and he was left with no other choice…perhaps then he would break his long silence.

XxX

_Thorin and Frerin had been warned many times that the delegation from the Iron Hills would be arriving today. They had been warned to stay away from the throne room, but at ten and five, they were of course very curious, so they had snuck away from their caretaker in order to watch events unfold from one of the many alcoves that overlooked the throne room. _

_ The leader of the delegation was a dwarf called Farin, striking and grand in fabrics of silver and blue, dark hair falling in many braids down his back and chest. He was to be the ambassador of Gror, lord of the Iron Hills, taking up a more permanent position in their grandfather's court, and he was accompanied by many other dwarves, all arrayed in their finest, but it was none of them the two young princes paid attention to. No. It was the small dwarfling at Farin's feet…his son, surely._

_ The boy couldn't have been any older than Frerin. He stood nervously at Farin's side, clearly struggling not to fidget or toy with the black hair that hung to his shoulders. When one of the dwarves took his hand to lead him from the throne room with the rest of the entourage, Thorin and Frerin also began to sneak away from their little hiding place, chattering excitedly on the way down._

_ "Somebody new to play with!" Frerin whispered in glee, struggling to contain himself as they hurried down from the upper level._

_ "I hope this one can take a hit better than __**you**__ can," Thorin teased, giving his little brother an affectionate shove as they ran._

_ "Maybe you hit too hard, Nadad," Frerin ribbed, shoving him right back. The game of shoving continued all the way down the passage…until Thorin really did shove too hard and wound up sending Frerin's small body tumbling into the next passageway…right into their grandfather, father, and the delegation._

_ "Boys!" Thrain started in mild outrage. "What is the meaning of this?"_

_ Thorin went white as a sheet, struggling for some sort of excuse, but everyone's attention was soon drawn by the two little boys on the floor._

_ Frerin's fall had been broken by the dwarfling and the two were currently struggling in a bit of a tangle._

_ "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Frerin apologized over and over again, nearly in tears. "I didn' __**mean**__ to knock you down. Thorin pushed me," he accused, finally managing to disentangle himself from the other dwarfling._

_ "It's okay," the other insisted, face red with embarrassment. "I wasn'…wasn' lookin'."_

_ Frerin's face also went a little red when he finally locked eyes with the other dwarfling. Neither even made a move to stand as they looked at each other._

_ "My…my name's Frerin," the young prince quickly introduced himself. The other dwarfling blushed a little harder, looking away from the young prince. He only stole a brief glance back when he muttered his name._

_ "I'm…Therin," he squeaked. Frerin smiled at him, awkwardness vanishing as quickly as a spring shower._

_ "Well…welcome to Erebor, Therin. Wanna be friends?"_

_ Therin's eyes widened at this, apparently unused to such directness. Faintly, he nodded, but then, suddenly looking afraid, he glanced up at his father, as if to ask for permission. Farin smiled, though, seemingly pleased with the idea. Smile bursting into full bloom, Therin looked back to Frerin and nodded enthusiastically. Frerin then grabbed him by the hand, laughing as he dragged him away down the passage, leaving the others in the dust. Thorin was left to take the displeasure from their father, but for some reason, he didn't mind so much. He didn't quite understand why, but it made him happy…to see his baby brother so excited._

X

_Thorin felt troubled as he walked away from the treasure chamber, shadows of things he couldn't quite name flitting about in the recesses of his mind. Thror was doing it again…taking time out of his day to just stare at the vast horde of gold and jewels. He could understand his grandfather's love of beauty. Yes, he could certainly understand __**that,**__ but it was somehow different from any other dwarf he'd ever seen. Thror's love was grasping…pressing…desperate…_**_needing._**_ It seemed to Thorin…almost like a sickness._

_ His father always told him that he was too young…that he would understand when he was older…and at twenty-four, perhaps he __**was**__ too young. Except…except that it seemed to him…that if Thror's behavior was somehow considered understandable…he wasn't sure he _**_did_**_ wantto understand…ever._

_ Thorin's dark thoughts were soon driven away, though…driven far afield by the sounds of quiet laughter and joy. Curious, Thorin tracked the source of the noise, finding Frerin and Therin off in some out of the way store chamber. He was about to walk in and join in on whatever it was they were up to, maybe chase away more of the darkness still clinging to his thoughts…but then he realized exactly what it was he was overhearing. Before quickly ducking back out of the doorway, he caught a glimpse of Frerin pinning his friend to the wall, their fingers tangling in each other's loose hair as their lips pressed heatedly together._

_ "Frerin…Frerin, please," he heard Therin gasp quietly at the same time he heard a rather distinct sucking noise come from the small chamber. What was his brother __**doing?**__ "Please don't…what if someone sees?"_

_ "Then let them see. I don't care. I've waited too long for this," his brother hissed. This was followed by what sounded like more kissing. Therin's half-hearted protests soon devolved into quiet moaning._

_ "Oh…oh, Mahal…Frerin, you can't…your…your hand…don't…don't touch me __**there.**__ Oh, Mahal," he whimpered, his tone suggesting that he very much _**_did_**_ want Frerin to touch him there…and that was what made Thorin decide that he really didn't want to hear anymore of this. Feeling just a little bit strange over having caught his baby brother in such a position, he also couldn't help smiling as he walked away, happy for the two of them._

_ He had known that his brother had been mooning over the ambassador's son for quite some time now, and even though Dwalin kept insisting the boy was clearly 'achin' for a tussle between Frerin's sheets,' Thorin had never been quite as certain. He knew he should have said something…interrupted. Really, they were much too young to even be __**thinking**__ about more than chaste kisses, but if they wanted to explore, why not let them? Dwalin had already visited quite a few beds himself. The only thing that even slightly bothered Thorin was that his brother might lose his virginity before he did. But what did that truly matter? In the eyes of the law, he was to be a virgin until his sixty-fifth birthday, and he hadn't yet met anyone worth breaking that rule for. Frerin and Therin, though…they had clicked from the moment they'd clapped eyes on each other. At first, they'd just been best friends, but that was now clearly heading toward something more._

_ "Well, Nadadith…I only hope you're sensible about it," he said quietly, deciding that he would have a chat with his brother later. For the moment, though, his time would probably be best spent checking up on Dis and making certain the ten-year-old wasn't terrorizing the kitchens._

X

_The world was much changed the next time Thorin happened upon Frerin and Therin. They had all felt the rage of dragon fire and known the sting of hunger and humiliation. The house of Durin had set aside the trappings of royalty and taken up the gear of the wanderers. _

_ Farin could have easily split off with the band making for the Iron Hills…returned to his home and had things easy again…but seeing how deeply his young son loved the youngest prince, he had elected to remain with Thror's band. Almost certainly once the pair had undergone their awakening ceremonies, there would be talk of a marriage. The talks may well even begin __**before**__ that. It was rare, but had still been known to happen. As part of dowry negotiations, it was even possible that Farin would be granted Frerin's virginity and Thrain would lay claim to Therin's. Thorin had allowed himself to go on believing that his brother _**_might_**_ still be a virgin, but he knew he never could after tonight._

_ The fighting with the orcs of the Misty Mountains had reached a very bad state. Thror's private war with Azog had only gotten worse in the ensuing years and it seemed that his kin were well and truly determined to drive the old darkness from the halls of their earliest father. With the fighting as bad as it was, he certainly couldn't __**blame**__ the two young dwarves for wanting to find some comfort and release in each other's arms. That didn't mean, however, that he wanted to actually _**_see_**_ it happening…and that was exactly what he got when he was looking for a place to relieve himself outside the war camp._

_ Frerin had his lover pinned against a tree. Both of them had shed their armor and weapons and Frerin had even stripped down to only his trousers. He was on his knees before Therin, and the other dwarf had his fingers buried in Frerin's hair as he groaned in pleasure. He couldn't quite see in the dim light, but Frerin's head seemed to be moving in a very distinct way. For several moments, Thorin was left dumbstruck, utterly shocked by the sight._

_ "Oh…Frerin…Frerin…I…I'm going to…oh…oh…__**Frerin!**__" he cried out, body jerking before slumping briefly against the tree. Frerin was on his feet almost immediately, laying kiss after kiss to his lips._

_ "Was it good?" Frerin asked as he held him, voice laced with excitement._

_ "Mm…good…so good. Frerin…Frerin, I love you."_

_ "And I love you…my sweet azyungal," Frerin said before drawing him into a very deep kiss. When they took a moment to breathe, Thorin just barely heard him whisper, "Can I make love to you now?"_

_ "As you will…my prince."_

_ Finally managing to tear himself away, Thorin hurried back to the camp, completely forgetting what he'd gone out to do. It occurred to him he should have scolded them; it was dangerous out there, after all, but he really just didn't want to interrupt. If they wanted to get themselves killed for a quick lay, that was fine with him._

_ Sometimes he really wasn't sure why their fathers wouldn't just let them marry and be done with it._

X

_Indeed, Therin and Frerin were never to be married. There would be no celebration, no exchanging of vows, no song for the two of them on their wedding day. But Thorin didn't know any of this in the moment of their victory…in that proud moment when the dwarves rallied to him and they drove the orcs back. He grieved for his grandfather's death, certainly, but he couldn't help thinking that maybe he might finally find some peace in death. It was the first moment he had truly felt like a ruler…like he really __**could**__ be the king of Durin's folk…and in his moment of triumph, he had looked around, trying to find the face of his dear little brother in the crowd of cheering dwarves._

_ But there was nothing. Frerin was nowhere to be seen and where his joyful voice should have sounded with the rest of their kin, there was only silence…and in only a few shattering moments, he understood why. He would never hear his brother's voice again._

_ "__**THORIN!**__"_

_ Therin's horrified voice sounded over all of the others, and immediately, the young prince began to run toward the sound. All other sounds faded away around him and his world narrowed to that one direction the distraught voice had sounded from. He knew he was running…the furious burn of his breath in his lungs told him so…but at the same time, he seemed to be moving so very slowly._

_ Frerin was lying on the ground, head cradled in Therin's lap as blood welled from a wound in his chest. His fingers were tangled weakly in his lover's hair and his breath shook with each unsteady repetition, but the look in his eyes was resolved. _

_ "Help him. Thorin, help him. __**Do something!**__" Therin begged him as he crashed to his knees beside them…but there was nothing he _**_could_**_ do. He tried. Mahal knows he tried. He held his hands over the gushing wound, but it was no use. He could do nothing to stem the flow of blood. He and Therin both tried, but it was useless. They were losing him. Frerin was dying in their arms._

_ "I'm…sorry," Frerin said, eyes briefly focusing on his brother, smiling, even as the blood welled up in his mouth. "Please…take care of him."_

_ "Always," Thorin vowed, tears spilling down his face as he took Frerin's hand in his, holding it close to his chest. What little attention the younger prince had left to give was then focused on Therin._

_ "I…love you. I love you so…my Therin."_

_ "Please…no," Therin pleaded with him. "Please don't die. Don't leave me here. I can't…without you…I am __**nothing.**__ Frerin…my love…_**_please!_**_"_

_ "I don't know where I'm going…but I'll wait for you…and the ancestors will sing at our wedding…when we're finally together again."_

_ "Frerin…please…I love you," he cried._

_ "And I love you," he returned, tears pouring down his face as his grip slackened in Thorin's and his hand fell from Therin's face. "I love you. I love you. I love you," he repeated on a whisper, his breath breaking with each new word…until it did not resume. The gentle words of love fell silent and the light left Frerin's eyes, leaving them empty and gazing blankly at the desolate sky._

_ "No!" Therin cried out, great heaving sobs racking his body as he cradled his beloved in his arms, as if the strength of his embrace could bring him back. Thorin simply closed Frerin's eyes, clutching his lifeless hand near to his heart as he wept silently. He had lost his dear brother, it was true, and he would bear the scar of that grief much worse than any of his other losses…but Therin had lost the other half of his soul. Many dwarves were known not to even survive such an event. He could only pray that he would even be able to honor Frerin's final wish…and care for his shattered lover._

XxX

As always happened after one of Kili's fits, no one said anything about it the next morning, and Fili and Kili tended to pretend nothing had happened. They simply ate their meager breakfast, packed up their gear and continued on their way. Dwalin wasn't even sure Fili had told Kili about Thorin's mandate. Surely it would be easier to soothe the lad if he didn't realize he was being observed. Of course he would always stick up for the boys, given his place in their lives…but challenging Thorin's authority was a little trickier.

"It really is awful, isn't it…what happened to them," Ori's small voice suddenly broke in on his thoughts. Dwalin looked up to see the younger dwarf had ridden his pony up next to his.

"It is. It…destroyed somethin' in both of 'em," he said quietly, remembering that night…remembering how horrible it had been to see Kili's vibrant spirit broken. Briefly, though, the image shifted and he could see Ori in Kili's place. Even though the day was warm, he shivered slightly, shaking off the hideous image. He was glad little Ori had never undergone anything so horrific.

"Not that I envy them, mind…to have had nobles swarming around, bidding to be allowed to be the first to sleep with them…for their virginity to be a commodity so highly valued. I don't envy their position, but…I do wonder what it would be like…to have people want you so badly."

"Ah, come on now, lad. Surely there must've been others…before me," Dwalin suggested, even though he didn't much care for the idea. He and the youngest Ri brother were currently in the beginning stages of exploring a physical relationship, and he was already fiercely protective of the young dwarf.

"Oh, no. Not…not at all. You're the first dwarf I've ever…ever…" Ori couldn't quite bring himself to finish, he was blushing so badly. At first, his implication went right over Dwalin's head. Surely he couldn't mean he would be his first…as in…first _ever_. And yet…all they'd done so far was kissing…and a little touching.

"Ye mean you're…still unawakened?" Dwalin finally asked. Ori blushed even harder when their gazes locked.

"Don't…don't say it like that. I'm no noble's get. I don't have any right to an awakening ceremony."

"Maybe not by law…but ye do certainly have a right to a first time," he said, reaching a hand across the space between them and resting it on Ori's knee. It set a different kind of fire ablaze in his belly…the idea that he may well be Ori's first. He wasn't sure why. He had, after all, been granted the right to many a stripling's maidenhead. But somehow, he felt that with Ori, it would be different. It wasn't as though he was some sort of cavalier with a bedpost full of notches. He treated each of his partners with respect and dignity. He'd cared for each of them…but he had never felt quite as strongly for any of them as he did for Ori. If he reached out his hand to take the little dwarf with the quill and knitting needles, he felt almost certain his days of awakening young dwarves would be at an end. It wouldn't be just sex with him. It would be love…and for some reason, that both excited and terrified him…and it wasn't often he would admit to fear. Ori's shy smile seemed to make the uncertainty worth it, though. The warrior could feel it slowly melting away when Ori placed a hand on top of his. The rest of the world just slipped away as they smiled at each other.

The rest of the world, however, was not oblivious to them. Had they been paying attention, they certainly would have noticed the death glare they were receiving from Dori.

XxX

_ Like many before him, Dwalin was no virgin on the night of his coming of age. He was well versed in all the aspects of lovemaking. The only thing he imagined would be difficult about the Ceremony of Awakening was playing the part of the blushing virgin. The noble who had won him would be anticipating someone inexperienced, after all. He would confess himself more than a little surprised, though, when his best friend's father entered his room._

_ "H-Highness," he murmured, inclining his head as he sat up in bed. He had never really gotten used to calling Thrain that after Azanulbizar. It was a title that belonged to Thror. Thrain was just…Thorin's father…and he had seemed even less like a leader after the events of that last battle. The new king had disappeared briefly after his youngest son's death, and when he'd returned to them afterward, he hadn't seemed all there…and never had since. He was king in name, but more often than not, the task of actually leading seemed to fall to Thorin, even though he wasn't properly of age yet._

_ "Let's not be wasting time with formalities, lad," the king in exile said, smiling oddly as he came to sit beside him. "Thought I might make this a little less awkward for you, given I'm a bit more familiar with your history than some of the others who vied for you. Besides, you've certainly got quite the reputation among those willing to listen. I am most anxious to learn," he said, giving the young dwarf a knowing smile._

_ "Well…most of my skill lies in givin'…not receivin'…and I don't suppose the night's meant to go like that," he said, already feeling much more awkward than he'd expected to feel tonight._

_ "No…it isn't," Thrain said slowly, reaching forward and slipping the white tunic from his body. Then he pulled him into a very deep kiss._

_ Thrain was much gentler than he'd expected. He made no move, though, to give truth to the rumors the older dwarf had referred to. He gave himself completely to the king, suppressing his desire to not be passive. He allowed Thrain to have his way, and when they lay together afterward, he even allowed the king to hold him._

_ "You know…I think you'll do well, Fundin's son," Thrain said quietly, fingers toying with Dwalin's hair._

_ "What…what do ye mean?" he asked, looking up at the king._

_ "You have some strength in you, little one…and even though you'd prefer to use it, you know when to hold it back. I needed to know you would be willing to submit yourself."_

_ "And…why would ye need to know that?" he pressed, still confused._

_ "It's not fair…the weight I've put on Thorin's shoulders. He's much too young for it…and I fear it's only going to get worse. I've no doubt you will defend my son's rule with your life…but I also needed to know that you had it in you to submit to him…that you wouldn't be just a loose catapult. Strength is important for a warrior, certainly, but even more important is good judgment…the ability to know when to use your strength…and when to hold it back. You are untried, Dwalin, but I believe you have that wisdom. I think I will feel much safer…leaving my son in your care."_

_ Thrain vanished not long after that. There was no sign at all of what had happened to him, only whispers and rumors of sightings. Even after he was gone, though, Dwalin never forgot the words he'd spoken that night._

XxX

It was a relatively peaceful night, all things being even. They had survived encounters with trolls, wargs, and even orcs. Currently, they were surviving a stay with the elves of Rivendell, so yes, peaceful enough, all things considered. Kili was doing well, hadn't had a fit for several weeks, so Thorin's tension was easing slightly. However, for all the tension he _wasn't_ displaying, another member of the company was displaying double the normal amount of tension, even for him.

It all came to a head one night when they were gathered around a makeshift fire they probably shouldn't have built in the quarters the elves had given them. Ori and Dwalin were sitting together, laughing with the others, making a general ruckus, occasionally trading kisses, with Dwalin once or twice slipping his hand between Ori's legs…when the great warrior suddenly felt something grab hold of his ear and begin to drag him away.

"Dori! What are you doing?!" he heard Ori protesting. When he looked back, he saw Nori move in to restrain him.

"I think it's time for a little talk," he heard his lover's oldest brother growling as he was pulled away from the company.

"What, exactly, do we need to be talkin' about?" the warrior asked when Dori finally released his ear. He didn't fear for his life, even though any sane dwarf certainly might have at the look of blazing anger in Dori's eyes.

"Just what do you think you're playing at?"

"You'll…have to explain a bit more'n that," Dwalin said, crossing his arms in front of his chest, staring the other dwarf down.

"Ori isn't one of your pretty court babes. He's not some noble's child whose virginity is up for sale. There's no stature to be earned here…so _why_ are you sniffing about?" Dori needled.

"Sniffin'…just what are ye sayin' I _am?_" he asked, a current of anger beginning to boil beneath the surface.

"Come now, _Master Dwalin._ It's well known you've got the two princes under your belt and many more besides. _Why_ do you need to have _my_ baby brother, as well?"

"If that's what ye think of me, ye don't understand what it is I do. The Ceremony of Awakening is as old as the line of Durin itself. Fili and Kili are not just _coins in my purse,_" he hissed.

"Ori isn't like all those others you've had, though. He won't be able to just walk away like all the others you've _educated._ It will be a mark against him…to have lain with someone of _your_ standing and been abandoned. What will that say about _him?_ He will be _ruined._ He will lose all chance at true happiness. Did you consider that, for even one moment, when you began to move in on him?"

"And did _ye_ consider…that I might actually _care_ for your brother? That I see more in him than just an easy lay?" Dwalin asked, his expression going even harsher.

Dori actually laughed at this. "You? A great and noble warrior like _you?_ No. Such a thought had honestly never crossed my mind. What should someone of _your_ class see in Ori?"

"Ye do him wrong, Dori…to think somebody couldn't love him as he is," Dwalin said softly, his expression softening for a moment.

"I don't…want you to hurt him," Dori said, his own guard lowering a moment, briefly stung by Dwalin's words. "Do you know…just how long he's mooned over you?"

"No," the warrior said, a spark of interest showing in his eyes.

"Nigh on ten years now. I always thought it harmless…a school boy's infatuation…to fall for the handsome warrior who was always on Nori's tail. But now, suddenly you see him…and suddenly you want him. What more is an older brother to think but that there is something to be suspicious of?"

Still feeling his anger simmering at Dori's accusation, Dwalin took a deep breath. This was not something he could fight Dori on. This was not a battle of strength or even of wills. It was a battle for the one thing he truly wanted…and it was not his strength that would win it for him. This, he knew, was the threshold where he would discover if he was worthy. His whole life, he had seen others find their One…the part of their soul that was missing…the love that conquered despair and darkness…Frerin and Therin, Fili and Kili, Dis and Threya, Balin and Miri. He had witnessed true love, and though he had seen love defeated by death and separation, it had never been anything but pure and faithful. Now, at last, when he had given up hope of ever finding the One the Maker had made him for…he thought he could see that love in Ori's eyes…in the way he blushed whenever he looked away from him…and in the way his breath caught just before they kissed. He _loved_ Ori…and if he lost him now by being rash, he would never forgive himself. So, very slowly, he dropped to one knee before the eldest brother.

"Would it make ye feel better about all this…if I asked ye for his hand?"

For a moment, Dori looked utterly shocked, but the surprise was soon replaced by another round of suspicion.

"It might, but just _saying_ that you'll marry him isn't quite going to cut it. You'll have to prove to me that you can take care of him…and that you make him happy. Only when I see the truth of this will I give you my blessing."

"Then I'll prove it to ye," Dwalin said, meeting his gaze firmly before rising to his feet.

"We will see," Dori said before hurrying back to the company. Dwalin started to follow, but was soon stopped by another voice.

"Now that was a sight to see," Thorin said as he appeared from the darkness. "I don't know that I've ever seen you get to your knees for anyone but me or my grandfather."

"Some things are…worth humblin' yourself for," he said quietly, meeting the gaze of his king and best friend with utter conviction.

"I don't need to ask if you're serious about Ori then. I won't insult you. Fili and Kili have been promised the first wedding in Yavanna's sanctuary when the mountain is ours again, but I can certainly promise you the next," he said with a small smile.

"That would be much appreciated, old friend."

"Do you want to give him an official ceremony?" Thorin asked him after eyeing him for several moments.

"How…how do ye mean?"

"I mean he's technically entitled to it. Their mother _was_ a distant relation of Dain's. The branch was just in disgrace. I can't really remember the reason and I doubt anyone else does either. All I mean is that Ori is, in fact, entitled to a Ceremony of Awakening…if that's something you want for him."

"I'm almost surprised you're still for the tradition…given everything that's happened," Dwalin noted as they started to walk.

"Well, just because _mine_ was awkward doesn't make it a completely useless tradition. As I understand it, your guidance was a blessing to Kili on the night of his Awakening."

"Sure enough," he said, remembering how grateful Kili had been for helping him and Fili get through that first time. "I _do_ think he deserves it…I just don't want Dori gettin' the wrong idea."

"I suppose we'll just see how it plays out, then. Good night," he said before splitting off from Dwalin, leaving him to fend off a hysterical Ori, who'd been near convinced that Dori had killed him and hidden his body in the valley.

XxX

_Thorin's Ceremony of Awakening occurred not long after his father's disappearance. The elders had been divided over whether or not to hold the ceremony on his sixty-fifth birthday, but Thorin had sided with the camp that insisted on just going through with it. He had no wish to appear weak before the circle of advisors and when the ceremony was at last complete, he would no longer carry the stigma of being a child to them. He would finally be able to take his rightful place as the ruler of Durin's Folk and there would be no more ridiculous talk of appointing him some sort of regent. He almost didn't care who they gave him to…almost. For indeed, this would be his first time._

_ It was well known among the younger generation that few who went to their Ceremony of Awakening were truly virgins. Many had experimented in some form or other before going to their awakening bed…be it full loss of virginity or a thing as simple as a hand job. Prince Thorin, though, was a rare exception. He was a true blushing virgin…though maybe without the blushing. He had simply…never found the time or the interest to explore his body or the body of another. His youth and innocence had been taken from him when the dragon descended and after that, he had been thrust into the role of an adult much too soon. There was no time to waste on pleasure…and so, when Thorin donned the white tunic and lay down in his bed on the night of his sixty-fifth birthday, that white tunic was more than just a symbol._

_ At first, the king-to-be had told himself that he was unconcerned with the proceedings. This was nothing. How big a deal could this really be? But as the minutes ticked down toward midnight, he found himself growing increasingly nervous. It took all of his will power not to rise from the bed and begin to pace. Just who were they sending into his room tonight? Who had won the right to be the first to bed the new king? What…what would it __**feel**__ like? He'd had tales of it from Dwalin and Balin, but if his experience of battle was anything to go by, hearing tell and actually experiencing were two vastly different things. Was it going to hurt? Would his guide _**_care_**_ if it hurt? He was fine with pain, really. It was something he understood. What he _**_didn't_**_ like was the not knowing. By the time his door opened, he'd gotten himself so worked up, he sat bolt upright in bed, his eyes wild when they beheld his partner._

_ "F-Farin?" he whispered, already berating himself for the stutter._

_ "Yes," the elder ambassador said as he entered his room, setting aside his cloak and easily slipping out of his tunic, revealing his thickly muscled, heavily scarred torso. As Thorin continued to stare at him, he sat down beside him on the bed. "I don't imagine you were aware of it, but it was an agreement your father and I made several years ago….after Frerin's unfortunate death. Your brother was to have been mine at his coming of age…as Therin would have been Thrain's…but because we were robbed of their union, it was agreed that I was to have you instead. After all, with me as your closest advisor, I could quite easily foster a lasting relationship between yourself and the new lord of the Iron Hills."_

_ Thorin wanted to scoff at this. Dain was hardly more than a child. He __**did**__ still rule with a regent, and would until he was of age. What good was a relationship with the Iron Hills right now? However, the young prince had learned well to keep such thoughts to himself. Farin's influence could indeed prove useful in the future. He also didn't dwell over long on the thoughts of politics, for the older dwarf's words had brought to mind something that had been troubling him._

_ "How is Therin?" he asked as Farin reached a hand over to begin stroking his hair. He had made Therin a member of his personal guard with the intent to keep him close and away from danger, but he honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd heard the younger dwarf speak. Therin had faded into himself after Frerin's death and he and Dis had been trying to awaken him to the world, but nothing seemed to work. To watch Therin fade away to nothing was like losing Frerin all over again…because Thorin knew he was failing his brother…failing to keep his promise to take care of Therin._

_ "As well as can be expected…so not very well," Farin said, a troubled looked flickering in his eyes briefly as his hand dropped to Thorin's waist, slipping beneath the tunic and rubbing the skin beneath it. Thorin tried not to think about it. "He will not speak to me anymore. He won't speak with anyone. It's like he's not really there anymore…and I don't know what to do about it."_

_ Thorin continued to try not thinking about it as Farin slipped the white tunic from his body…then began to undo his belt…slipping his heated hand inside. "Have you…thought any on…whose to be with him…when his time comes? As my father's gone, I mean," he asked, gasping rather loudly when Farin reached between his legs and squeezed._

_ "Oh, I've thought well on that, my prince. I've the perfect candidate in mind. Let us have no more words, though. Tonight is just for you…Thorin," he said gently, pushing him back onto the bed as he caressed his inner thighs._

_ Farin gave him pleasure that night, certainly…but what he mostly felt when it was all over was that he might be sick to his stomach. His skin felt clammy where the older dwarf had touched him and he could feel every drop of seed that leaked down his thighs when they lay together afterward. He wished Farin would leave, but he never did. He spent the whole night with his arms wrapped possessively around Thorin…and when he finally left in the morning, the young prince went straight to the bathing chambers, desperate to scrub until he felt clean again…which would not happen for many nights to come. All he could think was that he was glad Frerin had been spared Farin's touch. He could never put a name to what he'd experienced in Farin's arms…but there was a part of him that feared the old dwarf. And if he mentioned those whispers of dread to Balin and Dwalin and the old Iron Hills ambassador ended up passing quietly in his sleep many years later, what of it?_

XxX

Somehow Thorin had known that Kili's respite from his nightmares would not last…and when he woke them all from their restless sleep in Beorn's hall with his screaming, the king in exile knew that he couldn't hide anymore. He would have to face his nephews with the truth…or none of them would ever know peace.

Fili was struggling to calm Kili when Thorin approached them, and the older dwarf felt sorrow and shame in his gut when Fili looked up at him with fear in his eyes.

"Uncle, _please_…I beg you…I'll get him to calm down. I will! Just don't…don't…please…"

"No," Thorin said quietly, laying a hand on Fili's shoulder. "Quiet him. The three of us _will_ have words tonight."

Fili's eyes immediately began to burn with tears, but he nodded, going right back to rocking his screaming, struggling brother…and when the two of them joined their uncle in another room some time later, they both looked utterly miserable.

"Are…are you going to send us away, Thorin?" Kili asked.

"No…we are much too far from Ered Luin for that to do any good now…but there is something I must share with the two of you tonight…before anything else happens. I want you…to know the truth."

"What…what do you mean?" Fili asked, arms immediately moving to wrap around Kili's still trembling shoulders.

"It wasn't just chance…that Therin became fixated on you twelve years ago," he said to Kili.

"Uncle…?" Kili mumbled, dark eyes wide with fear.

"You want to know why it happened to _you?_ It happened…for no other reason than that you have the misfortune to look near identical to my brother."

"_What?_" Kili whispered in shock.

"You…you mean Frerin?" Fili clarified.

"Yes. Frerin and Therin grew up together…and they became lovers in their time. Had Frerin lived, the two of them would have been married," Thorin explained, barely managing to meet the boys' eyes.

"So…he…Therin…saw Frerin born again…in Kili," Fili said slowly.

"Just so. I don't believe he remembered that, though…by the time you'd come of age," he said to Kili. "He'd gone completely mad by then. And you told us…you remembered him molesting you as a child."

"Yes," Kili whispered, clinging a little tighter to Fili as silent tears spilled down his face.

"The assault you described…it didn't happen just the once."

"What…what are you talking about?"

"If…as you say…it began when you were five…then he could have been abusing you for near on to four years."

"Four…four _years?_" Kili repeated, voice strangled with shock.

"Yes. We don't know…how many times he might have abused you…as you seem to have repressed most of it…but when you were nine years old, we discovered him in bed with you."

"Oh…oh, Mahal," Kili whispered, horrified.

"You…you _knew?_" Fili hissed, holding Kili tighter, both in comfort and in anger. "You knew what he was doing to Kili…and you let him _live?_"

"You have every right to hate me…both of you. When I saw what he was doing to you…I should have _killed_ him…but I only banished him…because Frerin once loved him…because I made him a promise as he lay dying…that I would take care of Therin…and I failed. I've failed all of you…as your kin and your king," Thorin said, his voice heavy with shame, sorrow, and regret.

"So…essentially…none of this had to happen? You could have stopped it from happening…a long time ago?" Fili clarified, his voice stilted with anger.

"Yes," Thorin said. His voice was near to breaking now.

The air between the king and his heir would have been charged with bitter, aching silence…were it not for the fact that Kili was sobbing brokenly. He had turned completely away from Thorin and had his head buried in Fili's chest, arms wrapped around him like a vise. Fili's arms were gentle around his fragile form and he was whispering soothingly to him, but his eyes were fixed on Thorin, glaring fire and venom at him as he cradled his brother close.

"Get out!" Fili spat after a time. "You obviously have no care for us, so leave us be!"

Under normal circumstances, Thorin would have been outraged at the disrespect, but in this, he knew it was not at all unwarranted, so leave he did, shoulders hunched with despair and eyes burning with the suppressed desire to weep right along with Kili.

"I am sorry," he said quietly over his shoulder. "I'm sorry for everything. If there was one thing in my life I could do over, I'd-"

"_Leave!_" Fili hissed, not even looking at him. "We don't want to hear anymore."

Once Thorin had finally gone, the two brothers curled up together in a corner, Fili holding Kili as he wept, purging himself of yet another hideous revelation about himself and his body…and through it all, Fili let fall silent tears of his own. Yet one more thing he'd failed to protect his beloved from…one more nightmare to haunt Kili's already tenuous sleep. What could he do? What could they _do?_

After a time, when Kili had emptied himself of tears and the two of them were lying somewhat peacefully together in their little corner, Kili reached up to tangle his fingers in his brother's golden hair.

"You know…I think…I think it's what I've been dreaming about…the nightmares…all those things he did to me. I…I never realized…"

"Do you want to talk about it?" Fili asked when Kili failed to fill the silence he'd left hanging. Slowly, Kili shook his head.

"No, not…not yet…but I will…in time. Now I…I can't help but wonder…what I would do…if I lost _you._"

"Me?" Fili asked. "Why would you lose me?"

"I'm not saying I will. I just…look what it drove _him_ to…to lose the one he loved. I think I would almost…_rather_ die…if I lost you," he said, clutching the hair between his fingers a little tighter as he kissed his brother's cheek.

"I know…I understand. I feel the same way…so you and I will just have to promise not to go off and die on the other," he soothed, laying a kiss of his own to the top of Kili's head. The younger dwarf managed a small laugh at this, even though he knew Fili was quite serious.

"Then I promise…not to die…unless it be by your side…in the same breath as you."

"From your lips to Mahal's ears," Fili prayed, kissing first his lips, then each ear. "May my vow be the same. I will never leave your side…not even in death."

"Never apart," Kili said quietly, snuggling a little closer. "Fili?"

"Yes?"

"I…I know we said…we could never forgive what was done…but I don't think that's true anymore. I think…I think I could forgive him."

"Forgive…?" Fili repeated, not fully comprehending.

"The dwarf that…took me…that night…he was dead. He was dead a long time before he ever laid eyes on me. He was already dead…his body just hadn't realized it yet."

"And you want to…forgive him?" Fili asked.

"I think so. I'm not…ready yet…but I want to. Fate was cruel enough to rob him of his One…to force him to go on breathing after that moment. The least I can do…is forgive his memory."

"And…Thorin?" Fili asked, still feeling anger burning in his heart. "Could you forgive him?"

"Yes…in time," Kili answered after another long silence. "He might have…done better to lock Therin up…than to banish him…but I cannot blame him…for trying to keep a promise to his brother. He…he did his best. It…it's no one's fault," he said, both sorrow and tenderness in his eyes as he looked up at his brother. "I want you to promise me you'll remember that."

As he looked into Kili's hopeful eyes, Fili felt sorrow overtake the anger in his chest. Slowly, he shook his head. "I don't know if I _can._ I don't know if I _can_ forgive. I can never unsee…what I saw that night. I can never forget you…on my bed…lying there as if dead. How do I forgive the one…who put such pain in your eyes? I don't know _how,_ Kili," he whispered desperately, trying to make him understand…but Kili did not seem saddened or disturbed by his inability to let go of his anger. Rather he smiled tenderly at him, leaning up to kiss him.

"It won't be easy. I'm not ready either…but it will happen in time. I think I'll have to…_remember_ a lot more…before I'm ready to forgive Therin…but I think I can…someday…once I understand it all."

"I honestly don't know if I can," Fili repeated, holding him a little tighter. "But I'll try. I _will try_…for you…Kili."

"That's all I want," Kili said, smiling as he rested his head back against Fili's chest. "We cannot let it poison us any longer, my love."

"Then…I'll do my best," Fili said, kissing the top of his brother's head as the two of them finally began to drift back to sleep.

_For you._

XxX

_Technically, Thorin wasn't old enough to be involved in the discussion of who was to have the right to his little sister's virginity, but he was also king, so the situation was slightly different._

_ He sat and listened to the arguments, back and forth, not truly concerned with any of it until Farin suddenly spoke up._

_ "I should say I have the strongest claim of any of you. We must see to the princess' comfort…and I am, after all, already so close to the family," he said, a knowing gaze drifting in Thorin's direction. When their eyes met, Thorin could feel the old nausea and fear churning in his stomach. It took all of his will not to scream. He __**would not**__ have this dwarf touch his baby sister._

_ "No," he insisted in a loud, barely contained voice. "That…that wouldn't really be fair. You have had the king, Farin. What more could you possibly need? There are others my sister would prefer, if it's her comfort you're aiming for. At this juncture, I declare Valin's suit to be the most valid. He will be with my sister on the night of her coming of age."_

_ There was some grumbling among the elders, but no one truly contested his choice. How could they, after all? Thorin was still left feeling uncomfortable, though, because the smile had not left Farin's face. It was as if he knew something Thorin didn't…and that made him worry for his sister all the more._

_ That was the night he spoke to his two closest friends about the secret fear he'd harbored ever since Farin had lain with him. He had had no one else since then and he wasn't sure if he ever would. He did __**not**__ want the same fate for Dis._

X

_Farin was found dead in his bed soon after Dis' Ceremony of Awakening. Thorin was quick to declare it a natural death, even though there may or may not have been signs of poisoning. After all, many dwarves had found their life spans shortened after the wandering life the dragon's diaspora had forced on them._

_ The funeral was well attended, of course, with the grieving son as the centerpiece…and after the rites had been performed and the stone coffin sealed, Thorin approached Therin alone._

_ "I am sorry for your loss," he said to him, and he more than half expected him not to reply, which was why he was almost shocked to receive the embittered, "I'm not."_

_ Thorin could come up with nothing to say to that, so was almost grateful when Therin kept on, even though the words were harsh and venomous._

_ "I hated him…and he hated me. That old snake punished me every minute for the last twenty-five years…for my failing to wed into the line of Durin."_

_ "You…he…__**what?**__" Thorin murmured in shock. "Why…why did you never say?"_

_ "Because I __**deserved**__ it!" Therin hissed as he turned away from him. "I've deserved every punishment I've borne…for failing to keep him safe."_

_ "Frerin," Thorin said softly._

_ "I miss him, Thorin," he cried, finally breaking down in tears. "Sometimes I miss him so badly I can't breathe…but still I don't die. I go on living…without him. Every time Farin laid a hand to me…I prayed he would kill me."_

_ "Laid…hand…"_

_ Therin laughed bitterly at his incomprehension. "Who do you think was with me when I came of age?"_

_**Oh, Mahal.**_

_ "Why didn't you __**tell**__ me?" Thorin asked again, gripping his shoulders and forcing him to look at him._

_ "Because I __**wanted**__ to die! I've been wishing I was dead ever since the light left his eyes…but I swore to him…I swore not to take my own life…and I can never break a promise to him."_

_ "You have forced me to break mine, Therin. I promised him I would take care of you. And now this…"_

_ Therin shook his head. "This wasn't your doing. Thorin…Brother…if you have any care for me at all…there is one thing you can do for me."_

_ "What?"_

_ "Kill me," he begged. "Kill me before I become just as bad as he was. I can't live like this."_

_ "Therin…"_

_ "Kill me. Kill me! __**Please!**__ My king…I _**_beg_**_ you!" he continued to plead, falling to his knees before Thorin, hands scrabbling at his tunic. "Give me peace, my brother. Send me to be with Frerin. Let us be together at last."_

_ "You __**know**__ I can't do that. I made him a promise, too. To take your life…it will be like losing him all over again."_

_ "I lose him every day…every day I wake alone, and I forget a little more of what his voice sounded like…what his touch felt like. Mahal, I'm __**losing him,**__ Thorin! And every little piece I lose…another part of my soul dies. There will be nothing left by the time my body dies. _**_Why am I still alive?!_**_" he sobbed._

_ "Oh, Therin," Thorin whispered as he slowly moved to his knees with the younger dwarf, pulling him into his arms. Therin was just as much his brother as Frerin had been…and to see just how badly he had failed in his promise…it tore at something in him, and it was more for his own shame and cowardice that he could not bring himself to grant Therin his one wish. "I cannot. Don't you understand that I cannot? You may as well ask me to kill Dis…or Dwalin…or Balin. Do not ask this of me…until you understand what it is that you ask. Until that day…live…and if you still want to die…I'll kill you myself."_

_ Therin faded away again after that day. His voice disappeared and his gaze faded to glass. He was the most dour and feared of Thorin's guards and he never had to speak even one word. His voice didn't return to him until the night of Kili's birth._

_ Dis was resting in her bed after a long and difficult labor. Kili would certainly be her last child, as Oin had told her her body couldn't handle another pregnancy and the little one's father had died before he'd even been able to see his second son. Not for the last time, Dis wished that Vili could be here…that he could have seen Kili. But her sorrow and her pain were worth it all…to see her baby son nursing at her breast…and to see her firstborn bouncing up and down beside the bed, his golden features lit with a smile. Fili had loved his baby brother even before he'd been born and Dis knew that she needed no vow from the boy. He would protect his brother with his life._

_ "He's pretty," Fili insisted as he climbed up on the bed with her, reaching out a hand to stroke the dark peach fuzz on his brother's head._

_ "Don't rock the bed too much," Thorin chastised him lightly. "Your Mother's very tired."_

_ Fili looked sheepish as he glanced up at her. "Sorry," he mumbled, though the reprimand did little to dampen his joy._

_ "Another prince for the line of Durin!" Dwalin said heartily as he Balin and several others close to the family were allowed in to see the new princeling._

_ "Keep quiet, all of ye," Oin ordered, somehow both perturbed and pleased, and in the sudden quiet that stemmed from the order, one voice rose above the others._

_ "He really is beautiful."_

_ A shocked silence fell over the group as they all looked back at the last dwarf to enter the chamber._

_ Therin._

_ "Thank you," Dis said softly, at first feeling only joy that her friend had spoken after so many years._

_ It seemed so innocent at the time…the compliment of a friend…but as the months passed, the young mother grew more and more uncomfortable with the way Therin watched her son. It was less of chaste affection…and more of __**heat**__…of longing…and on the day when Therin vanished into the forest with her child and neither he nor Kili would answer her calls, she knew fear the like of which she had not known since she had seen dragon fire in the sky._

X

_"Kili, darling, where were you?" she demanded as she pulled her child into her arms. "Why didn't you answer my calls?"_

_ Kili blushed as he looked away from her, scraping the toe of his boot lightly against the ground. "Therin and I were just playin'."_

_ "But why didn't you answer?" she pressed, searching for signs of harm or some sort of…misconduct…but there was nothing. "I was worried sick about you."_

_ "It was hide and seek," Kili said, looking affronted. "I couldn't let him find me."_

_ "Well, just…just be more careful next time," she said, breathing a sigh of relief. Nothing seemed to have happened…and of course she couldn't explain her fears to her son. "Your brother already hurt himself today. I don't want to have to worry about both of you."_

_ For a moment, Kili looked like he wanted to say something…but then seemed to think better of it and skipped over to where one of the women was helping Fili walk…and it was that last look that caused the seed of horror to sprout in Dis' gut. Something __**had**__ happened…something Kili wouldn't tell her. Well, now she finally had a name for her concern; she would take her worries to Thorin. Therin wouldn't be spending any more time with her son if she could help it._

X

_"I don't…think we should be here," Fili said, sounding nervous as he resisted the pull of his baby brother's eager hand. "Mama said we aren't supposed to-"_

_ "It's all right," Kili insisted, tugging a little more insistently. "Therin's my friend. Nothing bad will happen."_

_ "Kili's right, you know," the guardsman said as he appeared at the entrance to his quarters, admitting the two dwarflings into his home. "I would never harm either of you. Kili is my very __**special**__ friend."_

_ "Mama says we shouldn't talk to you," Fili accused, though he didn't fight his brother's pull. "She says you're…not right."_

_ "And did she say __**why?**__" he pressed, gesturing the two boys to sit on a couch that was settled near to a fireplace._

_ "Well…no…but-"_

_ "You always do what __**Mama**__ says?" Kili challenged, sticking his tongue out at his brother as he rolled around on the large, soft cushions._

_ "No!" Fili bit back, flushing in embarrassment._

_ "Good, cuz that's no fun."_

_ "Would you boys like some warm milk?" Therin asked them. Kili nodded eagerly and Fili slowly followed suit. It would be rude to refuse, after all. Before too long, the guardsman returned to the couch with two warm mugs. Kili drank his down quickly, but Fili took it at a slower pace. There was something…different…about the taste of this milk. It was a little bit sweeter than he was used to. Before too long, he began to feel himself growing sleepy._

_ "Kili…I'm tired. I think we should…go back home," he said, struggling against the weight of his eyelids. How had he gotten so sleepy?_

_ "You can rest here if you're tired. I don't think you'll make it home at this rate," Therin said with a smile, going to fetch a blanket from a basket in the corner. Fili felt a spike of panic flutter in his stomach when the older dwarf tucked the blanket around him, smoothing his hair back from his face. He couldn't even make his body move, he was so tired._

_ "No…I don't…don't want to…Kili…Kili…" he called out softly, barely managing to slip his hand from under the blanket and take his little brother's hand. "Kili…please…go home," he begged. He knew something wasn't right, but he couldn't fight it. He gripped Kili's hand a little tighter before sleep finally claimed him._

_ "I'm sorry," Kili called over his shoulder, still holding Fili's hand. "He doesn' usually fall asleep that fast."_

_ "It's all right. We'll let your brother rest. Now you and I can talk," Therin said, sitting down beside him on the couch and taking his other hand in his._

_ "Therin…why doesn' Mama want me to see you anymore?"_

_ "I'm not sure, dear heart."_

_ "Is it…is it because of the game we played?"_

_ "How can it be? You enjoyed it, didn't you? Didn't I make you feel good?" Therin pressed, gripping his hand a little tighter._

_ "Well…yes," Kili said, blushing as he looked down at his lap. He could feel his body growing hot and prickly all over at the memory of the way Therin had touched him._

_ "And you didn't tell her about our special game…did you?"_

_ "No."_

_ "Then that can't be the reason," he soothed, beginning to massage the little hand he held._

_ "I guess not," he said, starting to squirm uncomfortably. It wasn't just memory now. He really was getting hot. "Therin, I…it's really hot in here. I'm too hot," he complained, still not letting go of his brother's hand._

_ "Perhaps you ought to take your shirt off?" Therin suggested mildly._

_ For a moment, Kili felt nervous. Something felt wrong about this…but he ultimately managed to quash the voices in his head. Therin was his friend, after all. So, reluctantly letting go of Fili's hand, he slipped his tunic over his head._

_ "Come here, little one," Therin called gently, holding out a hand to him. "I want you to sit on my lap. I've missed you so."_

_ Kili was reluctant, but he did go to Therin after several tense moments, sitting down on his lap, facing him._

_ "Kili…do you think we could play our special game again?" Therin asked, looking hopeful._

_ "I…I dunno," Kili said, glancing nervously at his passed out sibling. "Fili's here."_

_ "He won't wake," Therin said firmly. "He's __**very**__ tired. Besides…I can _**_see_**_ how much you want me to touch you."_

_ "You…you can?" Kili asked nervously. Maybe that was the strange prickling, burning feeling in his body? Did that mean…that he wanted for Therin to touch him again?_

_ "Oh, yes. Do you feel this?" he asked, slipping a hand between Kili's legs and rubbing at his privates through his trousers. Kili let out a tiny cry at the contact. He hadn't noticed it before, but he'd gone completely stiff in his smallclothes._

_ "What…what is that?" he whimpered. He hadn't noticed it the last time Therin had put his hand between his legs._

_ "You're __**hard,**__ Kili. It means you _**_like_**_ me. You _**_like_**_ me touching you. You _**_want_**_ me to make you feel good," he whispered in his ear, drawing his small body closer. Again, Kili whimpered._

_ "I…I do?"_

_ "Yes. Can I touch you, pretty Kili? You said I could."_

_ "Y-yes…I guess," Kili said, slowly climbing to his knees, opening himself a little more to Therin's probing hands. He whimpered as Therin undid his belt…reached his hands inside…and touched as he pleased…and all the while, Kili felt him growing hard beneath him…could see him rising up through the layers of his clothing. "Do…do you like me?" he asked, smiling weakly up at Therin._

_ "Yes, Kili. I like you very much. I __**love**__ you…my dear one."_

_ "Do you…want me to touch it?"_

_ "I'd like that very much, little one."_

_ When Therin had bared himself and was thrusting merrily between Kili's legs…the dwarfling couldn't help but glance at his brother from time to time. It felt good…just like the first time…just like Therin promised…but it also felt strange. To do this with Therin…when Mama had told him not to see him…it felt wrong, and hardly for the last time, Kili wondered if he was doing something bad. When they were finally finished, though, and Therin was kissing him tenderly, he did feel a little better. He felt…loved._

_ When Fili awoke several hours later, Kili was sitting beside him, smiling._

_ "Morning, sleepy head. Have a good nap?"_

_ "Kili…are…are you all right?" he asked him, reaching for his hand, vaguely recalling the panic from earlier._

_ "I'm fine. Therin and I had fun while you were sleeping. You…you're not gonna tell Mama…are you?" he asked, lower lip trembling slightly._

_ "No," he said, pulling his baby brother into a hug. "Only…maybe we shouldn't do this anymore."_

_ "O…okay."_

X


	2. Part Two

**Safe in His Arms**

Part Two

_Kili didn't take Fili with him when he went to see Therin after that day. He made up little excuses and lies about where he'd been when he went to see his friend. Sometimes they met in his quarters, other times it would be out in the forest while the rest of his family was picking berries or doing laundry. More often their secret meetings began to happen in the deeps of the mines, away from the prying eyes of all the others. Once Therin had even crept into Fili and Kili's own room to lie with Kili in the bed he shared with his brother. Kili didn't know how they weren't caught or how Therin had come to him in the first place without being seen by Kili's nurse, but he didn't question it. He was happy to be with Therin…and happy to play the special games he always asked for, because Therin listened to him when he talked…just like Fili did. He could tell Fili most things…but there were some things he couldn't…like the times he felt jealous of his brother for the extra attention Uncle Thorin and the others paid him. As he grew, Therin listened to his insecurities and fears and soothed them all away with kisses and gentle words, telling him that __**he**__ was the special one and that he adored Kili more than all the others ever could…and if he was occasionally made uncomfortable by the games Therin wanted to play, what of it? He could do this much, couldn't he? After all…Therin loved him._

_ As the time passed, Kili began to understand a little more of just what kinds of games his special friend was playing with him. They were sex games…playing at being intimate…and Therin had explained to him that they would change as he got older…and that one day they would be ready to play the best game of all, but Kili wasn't ready yet. He began to understand more about his body and the way it reacted when Therin touched it…more about getting hard…and the sweat and the heat. He understood that the liquid his body produced when Therin touched him wasn't piss, as he'd first thought, but a special kind of seed…a seed of pleasure, Therin had once told him. Like the hardness between his legs, it meant that he liked what Therin did to him…only he couldn't tell anyone else about their secret pleasures because they might not understand. Therin had explained to him that they probably shouldn't be doing this until Kili was older, but that theirs was a special case and they were supposed to be together like this…but the others wouldn't understand until Kili was the right age. Kili didn't really understand any of this, but he abided by his friend's wishes anyway…because he liked it when Therin listened to him and touched him and loved him and made him feel good. He liked to be loved this way…but he also didn't quite agree that they were supposed to be together, like Therin said. Even though the older dwarf brought him pleasure, he always felt just that tiny bit uncomfortable every time they were together…and even though he didn't understand why, he felt like he was betraying __**Fili**__ by doing this…not Mama, and not Uncle Thorin…just his beloved brother. Every time Therin put his hand between his legs, or on his bottom, or on his chest, he felt like Fili would be hurt by what he was doing…and he had said as much to Therin once…when they'd had their little sex game a few days after Kili's eighth birthday._

_ "You shouldn't feel bad about it, my love," Therin soothed as he rubbed Kili's inner thighs, slicking them with the seed he'd spilled. "He'll only find out if you tell him…and he can't be hurt if he doesn't know."_

_ "But…but what if he finds out?" Kili asked, feeling tears prick behind his eyes._

_ "Best hope he doesn't. If he finds out…I don't think Fili will love you anymore," Therin said, looking up to meet his gaze._

_ "Not…not love me anymore?" he repeated, shocked and horrified at the thought. "Why not?"_

_ "Because he would think you __**dirty**__ now. He's like all the rest of them. He wouldn't understand."_

_ "Should…should we stop? I don't want Fili to not love me anymore."_

_ "It's too late for that, darling. You've already done it. There's no going back."_

_ "But…but I-"_

_ "Let's have no more arguments and no more tears, little one. I've told you already they wouldn't understand. None of them will love you anymore if they ever find out. I'm the only one who will always love you…no matter what. So say it…tell me who loves you, Kili," he said as he pulled the child into a tight embrace._

_ "You. You love me, Therin," he whispered as he clung to the older dwarf, tears still pouring silently down his face._

_ "And do you love me, my Kili?" he asked, gently rubbing his back._

_ "Yes…I do."_

_ "Say it," Therin repeated harshly. "Tell me you love me."_

_ "I love you, Therin."_

_ Kili didn't enjoy himself any after that. He just kept going to Therin because he knew no other way. The gentle talking and laughing and listening stopped and there was only pleasure of the body. They would meet in the forest or the mines or Therin's chamber, they would play their little sex game, Therin would hold him for a while, kiss him and stroke him and tell him how much he loved him and that he never wanted to lose him again…then he would clean him up and send him on his way. By the time he was nine, Therin had touched every part of his body in some way…except for the tiny entrance concealed between his buttocks, and he wasn't sure why, because he could tell the older dwarf had a particular fixation with it, but he left it alone. Even though he didn't understand, he was somewhat relieved there was at least one part of him Therin hadn't touched. He was afraid that was going to change, though, when he went to his friend to play a sex game on the night of the Durin's Day celebration. _

_ Kili rushed into Therin's arms, his face red with anger and wet with tears._

_ "What's wrong, my little one? Why are you crying?" Therin asked as he held him close._

_ "They're saying…Fili's going to be Uncle's __**heir**__ now. They say he'll have to spend all his time training…that he won't have time to play anymore…and Fili…Fili's _**_happy!_**_ He's excited. He hasn't looked at me once since they announced it this morning. Does…does he not love me anymore, Therin? Does he not want me? I miss him! I want my brother back!" he sobbed broken-heartedly as Therin lifted him into his arms and carried him further back into his quarters._

_ "Shh, shh, hush, my lovely. It's all right. Even if he doesn't love you anymore, __**I**__ will always be here for you. I'll always love you…and tonight, I'll take all your pain away," he soothed, pressing a tender kiss to Kili's lips. The boy blatantly ignored the fear beginning to boil in his stomach. All he wanted right now was to forget._

_ "Yes," he sniffled, kissing back. He didn't usually do that. "Make…make the hurting stop. Make me feel good. Love me," he pleaded…and suddenly found himself deposited on a large, soft bed. When Therin left him there, he realized his friend had brought him back to his bedchamber. He'd never done that before. Normally, they played their game on the couch._

_ 'Tonight is special, Kili," Therin said as he rummaged around in a few of his drawers. "I want you to feel special."_

_ "Am…am I ready?" Kili asked, struggling to wipe the tears from his face._

_ "I think you just might be," Therin said as he returned to the bed, dropping several things on the bedside table. "I don't think you need your milk tonight. You'll get up just fine without it."_

_ "What…what do you want me to do?"_

_ "Nothing. Just lie back," he said, slowly pushing him back onto the bed. "I'll take care of everything tonight."_

_ Kili lay still as Therin removed his clothing. He was obedient and made the nice sounds while Therin touched him, making him hard and needy. He was the perfect little lover…all in waiting for the moment his friend had promised to make the aching stop…and finally, Therin began to rub oil against the hole he'd never touched. He didn't breach it…just rubbed lots and lots of oil around the tight ring of muscle. Then he switched places with Kili, so that he was lying on the bed and Kili was sitting in his lap, the older dwarf's hard privates thrusting gently against the same place they always did…the little bit of sensitive skin between his own privates and the now slick hole. _

_ "Therin? I…I thought we were gonna do something different tonight," he mumbled._

_ "Yes," Therin panted. "I'm just…getting you ready," he said, gripping Kili's small hips a little harder as he bounced him up and down, stimulating them both. With a few more awkward rolls and groans and whispers, Kili was spilling, whimpering as his body drained itself. Then he felt Therin spill himself, soaking his thighs with the seed. _

_ "Are…are we gonna do it now?" Kili asked. He was afraid, but he was also angry and sad and willing to do anything to get away from this awful day._

_ "Yes, my Kili. We're going to do it now."_

_ Kili had spent himself completely, but Therin was still hard. Just as he was repositioning himself, pressing the tip of his privates against Kili's hole and tightening his grip on Kili's hips once more, a horrified scream pierced the quiet and semi-darkness of the chamber._

_ "__**Kili!**__" he heard Dwalin shouting. Crying out in fear, he looked up to see Balin, Dwalin, Uncle Thorin, and Mama entering the room. He didn't see who, but someone snatched him away from Therin. Then he heard the sounds of a struggle._

_ "Kili! Kili! My precious baby! What's he done to you?!" he heard Mama's voice as he was crushed against her breast._

_ "Mama! Mama! I'm sorry! Please! Please don't hate me! I don't want you to not love me anymore! __**Please!**__" he sobbed, clinging desperately to her._

_ "Oh, sweetheart, why wouldn't I love you anymore?"_

_ "Therin said…you wouldn't understand…that everyone would hate me if they found out," he sniffled._

_ "Found out what?"_

_ "About…about the games we were playing."_

_ "Oh…darling…" Dis whispered, but before she could say anything more, she realized her son had passed out in her arms. Clutching the unconscious boy in her arms, she turned her attention back to where Balin and Dwalin had Therin pinned. Thorin stood before him, his face terrible with anger and horror._

_ "What have you done to him?" he demanded, voice quiet, but somehow more terrible than the most massive earthquake._

_ "Kili is…he's Frerin."_

_ As Therin's words slowly sank in, there was a collective moment of horrified silence._

_ "What…what are you talking about?" Dis demanded, her voice shaking._

_ "Frerin came back to me. I can see his eyes looking out through Kili's. Don't you see it?" he asked, happy tears pouring down his face as he gazed at all of them._

_ "So that made it okay for you to just…he's __**nine years old,**__ Therin!" Thorin exploded at him._

_ "Age doesn't matter. It's my Frerin. We're in love. Maybe he doesn't know that yet, but he'll remember…someday."_

_ "Lad…Kili is __**not**__ Frerin. Frerin _**_died_**_ seventy-four years ago," Balin tried to reason with him. "Kili is himself."_

_ "No! He __**is**__ Frerin! He _**_is!_**_ I _**_know_**_ it! He came back! He came back to me! And we'll be together again!" Therin insisted, eyes wobbling in his madness. _

_ "Therin…just…what all have you been doing with Kili?" Thorin asked him. Much as the thought pained him, he had to know. He had to know how badly Kili had been hurt._

_ "I haven't taken him," Therin said straight off. "I haven't entered his body in any way. He's still a virgin in the eyes of the law. He's not…he isn't ready yet," he said gently, eyes filled with infinite tenderness as he looked on Kili, sleeping in Dis' arms. "I __**will**__ have him…the moment he's ready."_

_ "Then what __**have**__ ye done?" Dwalin pressed, a knife held at the mad dwarf's jugular. _

_ "We've touched…and played…I've touched him everywhere…and he's touched me. I gave Kili his first pleasure."_

_ "Mahal," Dis whispered in horror, holding her boy a little tighter._

_ "If he isn't ready…just what was it we caught you doing just now?" Thorin asked him._

_ "He was sad today…sad that he was losing his __**brother.**__ He wanted me to make the hurt stop. He _**_wanted_**_ it," Therin said, smiling to himself._

_ "He isn't old enough to __**want it.**__ No matter what you've told him, he couldn't possibly understand. No matter what you've deluded yourself into thinking, you _**_did_**_ force yourself on him. I should kill you for what you've done," Thorin said, drawing his sword and laying it against the other dwarf's throat. "You asked me to kill you once. Do you still have that wish?"_

_ At this, Therin just smiled up at him, eerie and unhinged. "Why would I want to leave now…when my Frerin has come back to me?"_

_ Growling, Thorin swept the blade back, ready to bring it down and end Therin's miserable existence…but when he looked into his eyes once more, he could summon only pity for the once proud noble. Shaking his head, he let the blade fall at his side. He could not do it. It would be as if he'd killed Frerin himself._

_ "Thorin?" Balin questioned him, his hold on the deranged dwarf tightening. Rather than acknowledge him, though, Thorin looked back to Dis, who nodded her understanding. While she hated the dwarf before her for what he had done to her baby, she could also remember the bright, shining young lad who had made her brother so happy. She would support Thorin in whatever he chose to do, so long as it kept Therin away from her son._

_ "Therin, son of Farin, you are to be banished forthwith from Ered Luin. Should I or mine see your face in these halls ever again, you will be killed," he pronounced, turning away as Dwalin and Balin dragged the now screaming dwarf away._

_ "No! Kili! Frerin! __**Kili!**__"_

_ Thorin moved back toward his sister once the room was quiet again, reaching out a hand to gently stroke Kili's hair with a look of pain and despair on his face._

_ "Will he…ever be all right again?" he wondered, more to himself than actually expecting an answer._

_ "I have no idea. I don't know what to do. I just don't understand…why he went back to Therin…when I __**told**__ him not to. I _**_told_**_ him to stay away…and he lied to my face about where he was spending his time. He lied…to me and Fili both; he _**_lied._**_"_

_ "What will you do when he wakes?"_

_ "I'm not sure. I suppose…for now…the best thing to do would be to take him to Oin. Perhaps it would be best if he's not awake while he examines him."_

_ Thorin agreed, and the two royal siblings sought out the old healer, who examined the dwarfling with great sorrow. It turned out to be as Therin had told them. Kili had not been harmed in any way…not in body. The only damage would be invisible…to his mind…his fragile young soul. The adults were prepared to question Kili about the details of what Therin had done to him when he woke later that night. They had been prepared for anything but what they actually received._

_ "How are you feeling, baby?" Dis asked him when his eyes fluttered open. He smiled weakly up at her when she took his small hand in hers. He was lying in his own bed. Fili was being kept out, told only that Kili had gotten sick at the festival._

_ "Kinda hot…a little funny in my tummy."_

_ "Do you remember what happened?"_

_ Kili scrunched up his face, trying to recall, but ultimately shook his head. "Not really. I remember…the feast. I think…something happened after the fireworks…but I don't remember."_

_ "You don't remember…what Therin did?"_

_ Again, Kili scrunched up his face in confusion. "Who…who's Therin?"_

_ Briefly, Dis' eyes widened. Kili's face was completely guileless…and after the panic attack he'd displayed before losing consciousness, she really didn't think he was capable of such a lie right now. "You don't…know?"_

_ "Uh-uh. Mama…what happened?"_

_ "Nothing, my gem, nothing," she soothed, stroking his hair. "You just got a little sick at the festival. Probably ate too much cake. You just lie quiet and rest. We'll have you feeling better in no time," she said as she stood from the bed._

_ "Can…can I see Fili?" he asked._

_ "Of course. He's very anxious to see you. I'll send him right in."_

_ Dis did just that, immediately allowing her very worried firstborn into the room while she went to speak to the others._

_ "He doesn't remember what happened," she told them. "Not tonight, not anything that might have happened before, none of it. He doesn't even remember who Therin is."_

_ "Nothing? Really?" Thorin pressed._

_ "No. I…I just told him he got sick at the festival. Is…is this normal?" she asked Oin._

_ "It can sometimes happen…that the mind pushes away traumatic events. I don't know that it's __**healthy,**__ but…maybe…if he never remembers, perhaps these events are _**_best_**_ forgotten."_

_ "So what?" Balin asked. "We never speak of it again? Pretend it never happened? Is that really going to help the lad?"_

_ "There's nothing else we __**can**__ do…so long as he doesn't remember what happened to him," Oin explained sadly._

_ "We do better than that. We strike Therin's name from the records…forbid all mention of him. No one would question it…not after news of his banishment comes to light," Thorin said._

_ "And if he should ever return?" Dwalin asked. "How will we protect the wee one then?"_

_ "As I said…he will be killed. We will never let him __**touch**__ Kili again. We _**_will_**_ protect him this time," Thorin said, his saddened gaze moving away from the group and toward the door that led to the boys' room._

_ The moment their mother had let him in, Fili had zipped straight to the bed and plopped down beside his brother._

_ "You feeling okay?"_

_ "Still a little funny. Guess it must have been really bad if I passed out," Kili said, smiling at his brother. "You didn't see it, did you?"_

_ "No. Gloin had me tied up doing other things. They've all kept me tied up all day. I mean…I know the whole heir thing's supposed to be a big honor and all, but…all I really wanted to do today was get back to __**you.**__"_

_ "Really?" Kili asked, feeling his heart lighten. He'd been missing his Fili so badly today and it made him happy to know that his brother had been missing him, too._

_ "Yes. I wanted to share the news with __**you,**__ and to spend the feast day with _**_you,_**_ not those stuffy old adults."_

_ "Do you think…when I'm feeling better…we could play again?" Kili asked hopefully. _

_ "Sure. We'll play as much as you want, but maybe for tonight, we ought to lie down and rest," he said, ruffling his baby brother's hair and kissing the top of his head before climbing under the covers with him and cradling him close. Kili snuggled up close against him and before too long, the brothers were sleeping soundly, blissfully unaware of the world around them._

XxX

The company remained in Beorn's home a few more days following Kili's breakdown. The two brothers didn't exactly shun their uncle, but they did keep themselves apart from him, and from the others, staying closed off in their own little world. It wasn't exactly the kind of tension Thorin had expected, but the tension was there just the same as the company rode toward the borders of Mirkwood.

Tensions were also still high elsewhere in the company, though, as Dori still kept a constant eye on Dwalin and his baby brother. That strife had, fortunately, been eased somewhat by the fact that Nori had taken more of a liking to his little brother's burly protector, despite their past history of law keeper and trouble maker, and upon learning of their plan to hold a small Ceremony of Awakening, he had also managed to nick a few skeins of white yarn from the Rivendell elves so that Ori might make himself a proper white tunic for the occasion. Of course, Ori could only work on his secret project whenever Dori wasn't looking, so that delayed the process somewhat, but it was just as they were sending the ponies back at the edge of the diseased forest that Ori pulled Dwalin to the side and slipped the warrior's hand into his pack, allowing him to feel the finished tunic.

"It's ready," he said, offering Dwalin a shy smile.

"Heh, I've never seen a white tunic made of yarn before…but then, you're also not like any dwarf I've ever been with before either," he said, chuckling as he bent to give Ori a kiss, only just hovering on the verge of unchaste.

"We can…go ahead with it…any time we want," Ori said, blushing lightly.

Sighing, Dwalin rested a hand on Ori's waist. "Probably had best to wait until this whole ugly business is behind us," he said.

Ori's face fell at this. "Really? We have to wait that long?"

"What? Ye want to have a go right now? With your brothers and all the others watching?"

"M-maybe I do," Ori suggested, going for indignant, but offering up a wry smile at the same time. "Maybe I'm tired of Dori treating me like a dwarfling."

"Ach, he only wants what's best for ye. I do, too…and I want ye to have a proper bed for your first time…not some quick lay on the dirt in a cursed forest. We'll wait 'til we can do things proper."

This was what Dwalin said, but then the company actually entered Mirkwood…and began to experience the ill effects of the great forest's slow death. They were trapped in illusions and low on provisions and sleep, and Dwalin wasn't quite certain how many days it had been when he woke to find Ori settling himself in his lap, dressed in the knitted white tunic.

"Lad, what…what are ye-" he started to mumble, reaching up to grip the younger dwarf's hips.

"We may never get out of here," Ori said, his voice high and thin as his fingers scrabbled at Dwalin's chest. "I don't want to play this game anymore. I don't want to die…never having been with _you._"

"But…your brother-"

"Is on watch with Nori. He'll keep him busy. Dori won't see anything," he whispered, crawling up the older dwarf's body and drawing him into a very deep kiss.

Dwalin wanted to resist, but after days of being at the mercy of Mirkwood, he no longer had the will to. He pulled Ori in tight against him, welcoming the embrace with open arms and eager lips. The pair shared several kisses, at once tender and rough, lost somewhere in the press between passion and gentleness. Almost before he'd realized it, Ori had Dwalin stripped down to his smallclothes and was rutting rather desperately against the hardness they concealed.

"Ye slippery little snake," Dwalin teased, shifting their positions so that Ori lay beneath him on his bedroll.

"Oh…Dwalin…hurry. I want this. Please…_please_ take the tunic off," he pleaded, writhing eagerly beneath his lover's solid body.

Dwalin did as he was bid, gently lifting the soft white tunic from Ori's body. The rest of his clothing wasn't far behind and before too long, they were moving eagerly together, reveling in the longed for press of skin against skin.

"Mahal…Mahal…take me, Dwalin. Just _take me,_" Ori urged, moaning wantonly as Dwalin laid several harsh kisses to his neck.

Dwalin didn't need much more than that. Using his vial of cleaning oil to prepare his eager lover, it wasn't long before he was pushing into his body, relishing every sound he drew from his lips as they joined. Ori could barely keep himself quiet as Dwalin moved in him over and over again.

Their lovemaking was over quickly, and they fell asleep just as quickly when Dwalin pulled his blanket over their naked, entangled bodies, both of them sweaty and sated. It wasn't exactly what Dwalin had wanted for Ori, but it was everything Ori had dreamed of…and if Ori was walking a little bit funny when the company next set out, well, most of them simply chalked it up to another hallucination anyway.

XxX

_The celebration of Kili's sixty-fifth birthday was the grandest affair Ered Luin had seen in a good long while. Even though Fili was the elder prince and the heir to his uncle's rule, there had been many more dwarves eager to see the pretty young prince come of age. Many had vied for the right to enter his chamber and claim his virginity on the night he was of age, but of course, the decision had been made long before the bidding had even begun. _

_ Fili had expected Thorin to be harder to persuade when he and Dwalin had gone to him with the request that Dwalin be allowed to also claim Kili, as he'd claimed Fili. All the older brother had really needed to say was that he trusted Dwalin and that he wanted Kili's comfort and security above all other things. Thorin had agreed immediately upon mention of Kili's comfort and Fili had thought no more of it since. He did make sure to keep a clear head on his shoulders on the night of the celebration, though. He had heard talk of dwarves lurking about, waiting on the fringes to break the ancient tradition and seize his beautiful brother against his will. He shared only a few tankards with Kili, but otherwise kept himself on high alert, keeping an eye out for anyone who __**dared**__ to do anything unseemly to his Kili. He hesitated momentarily when Thorin called him away from the table. He had warned Kili of the dangers, but his brother was blissfully unaware of his surroundings, deep into his ale by this point and merrily celebrating that he was finally of age and that the two of them could _**_finally_**_ be together._

_ "I'll be right back, little wolf. Don't go anywhere," he said, gently kissing his ear before rising from the table, constantly glancing back to make sure Kili was safe, as he had been doing all night. He continued with his glancing even while Thorin was talking to him._

_ "I see Kili's been enjoying himself," Thorin said, clapping him hard on the back. Fili nodded, taking another glance._

_ "He has at that. I don't know that I've ever seen him drink this much."_

_ "I hope the evening hasn't been entirely uneventful for you."_

_ "Certainly not. I'll just be glad when it's all over and done with," he said, glancing at Kili again._

_ "On that subject…I'm aware you and Kili are…are bound. I just wanted to ask you when you planned on putting forward a proper suit for your brother's hand. There are certain requirements to be met after all. Don't think I won't test you just as hard as I would any other who came asking for Kili's hand."_

_ "No…of course not," Fili said slowly, stealing another glance. "I mean to do it right…for him. I'd thought to prepare my suit once the whole ceremony business has blown over. He…he will be safe then."_

_ "There will be others, you know?" Thorin pointed out. "Many desire to marry into the line of Durin…and the clans will be sending forth their most eligible princes in the hope of wedding the second son."_

_ "Yes…there __**will**__ be others," Fili growled. "But Kili is _**_mine_**_…as I am his. No dwarf will dare to break what we have…once I make my claim."_

_ Thorin was about to say something more when one of the guardsmen rushed up to him, his face looking urgent and somewhat fearful._

_ "My lord, I come with news. Therin has been spotted in the city."_

_ At his words, Thorin's face blanched to the roots of his hair and his eyes went dark with anger and fear. "Have you apprehended him yet?"_

_ "No. I have dwarves searching high and low, but he's evaded us. It may be he's in the hall already. I will have the guard doubled for your protection."_

_ Thorin shook his head. "It isn't me he'll be after." At this, his head snapped in Fili's direction. "Fili, where is your brother?!" he barked._

_ "He's just-" Fili's voice immediately died in his throat when he looked back…only to find that Kili was no longer at their table. He couldn't see him anywhere._

_ Hearing only the beating of his heart pounding in his ears, Fili rushed back to the table, searching desperately for any sign of his brother. He asked the others but no one had seen. Kili had been there one minute and gone the next. Almost before he was aware, Thorin was at his side again._

_ "He's gone, Uncle! He's gone! No one knows where he is! What if…what if someone's __**taken**__ him?" he asked, feeling dread clench in his stomach._

_ "It's Therin. He's done this."_

_ "Who's Therin?"_

_ "A dwarf who was banished a long time ago…banished for the crime of rape."_

_ "Oh, Mahal," Fili whispered in horror. "We…we've got to find him!" he insisted, bolting from the hall, eyes searching in every direction, hoping to catch some glimpse of his brother. Thorin easily caught up with him, clamping a hand down on his shoulder._

_ "Fili, it won't help him for you to lose control. Arm yourself first," he said, taking up an axe from the rack outside the great hall and handing it to Fili, his own sword already secured at his hip. "We'll cover more ground if we split up and search. I'll get Dwalin and the others and we'll search the pubs and the mines. Where do you think he might take your brother?"_

_ "I…I'm not sure," he growled quietly, at once feeling lost, afraid, and angry. What if they didn't find him in time? What if…Kili…_

_**No,**__ Fili growled again, shaking his head to clear it. _**_I won't fail you. I'll find you!_**

_ "The…the bathing chambers. I'll check there first," he finally decided. Thorin gave him a nod before they split off from each other, each sprinting toward their separate destinations. _

_**Kili, please! Where are you?! Give me some kind of sign. Nadadith…Azyungal…please…help me save you!**_

**_ Save me…save me…please…don't…don't let this happen._**

_ "Kili! Kili, where are you?!" he called aloud as he ran. He could almost swear he could hear his brother calling out to him._

_**Kili needs you…he's in pain…have to help him!**_

_ As he ran, he couldn't help but think of what sort of being would do this…and then it occurred to him that if this criminal had risked coming out of exile specifically for the purpose of defiling Kili, he would want it to mean something. He would take Kili somewhere that had meaning to him._

_ He knew where they were._

_ Spinning on his heels, Fili bolted in the opposite direction, back up…toward their room. This Therin meant to rape his brother on his own bed._

_**Mahal…Mahal…Fili…please…anyone…**_save me!

_**Therin, by the blood of Durin I swear, if you've hurt him, you won't live to see the inside of a jail cell!**_

_ He was out of breath and shaking by the time he reached their door, but he didn't let that stop him. When the door wouldn't open, he threw his body against it, screaming furiously._

_ "__**KILI!**__"_

_ When the door wouldn't give, he immediately took his axe to it, tearing through the wood without any thought but getting to Kili._

_ When he finally beheld Kili, lying helpless in his bed in the arms of a stranger with a blade to his neck, he went nearly blind with rage. It took every ounce of his control not to burst forward and risk harming Kili._

_ When Thorin and the others finally caught up with Fili, Thorin was almost too much in shock himself to do anything, but he needn't have worried. Fili was angered enough for all of them. They all followed Thorin's lead, not indicating that the situation was anything more than it appeared to be…and when the king in exile pronounced the penalty of execution, Fili carried out the sentence only too gladly, finally ending the sad existence of Therin, son of Farin…beloved of Frerin._

_**Again…again…I've failed you again.**_

XxX

While the company did eventually come out of the forest, it was not in a manner they would have chosen: attacked by spiders and captured by elves.

Kili was bitten by the last spider that attacked him. That round of poison, combined with the first, had the young prince nearly unconscious by the time the dwarves were brought to the elven stronghold.

Fili gave it his all trying to break out of the cell; he could hear some of the others at it, too…until Balin told them to lay off. Fili continued to pace, though, restless and anxious. Without his personal arsenal, he felt practically naked. Ever since…what had happened to Kili…he had always carried as many weapons on his person as he possibly could, having no wish to be caught off guard ever again. Now he was helpless, completely stripped and unable to protect his brother, who also lay helpless only a few feet away.

"Filiii," Kili's singsong voice suddenly drifted toward him from his cell. Immediately, Fili was pressed up against the bars, searching for some sign of his brother, but he saw nothing in the other cell. Kili must have been lying at the back of the small space.

"Kili, can you hear me? Are you all right?" Fili pressed, trying to get more of a response.

"Can…hear. Head's all…spinney," he mumbled distantly. "This…this isn't home."

"No. No, home is…very far away."

"Good. Don't wanna be home. It…_it_ happened…at home."

"I know," Fili said softly, slumping against the bars, sliding down until he was sitting on the cold floor.

"Don't wanna…go back there…ever," the young prince's voice continued to drift out of the cell with no sign of movement from within.

"We don't have to," Fili tried to soothe. "We're going to find a new home."

"Mm…home," Kili said, voice slipping into a gentle hum. "Home is…home is with _you._ Want to be with you."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'll be with you…just as soon as we get out of here."

"Fili…Fili…Fili…" Kili mumbled several times, until his voice faded out and Fili could get no further response from him, leaving him to think that maybe he'd fallen asleep or just lost consciousness. The company was mostly silent until Thorin was brought back from interrogation with Thranduil. Fili didn't really hear much of what was said between his uncle and Balin…until he heard Thorin say his brother's name.

"Huh?" he mumbled, shaking himself out of his half trance.

"How's your brother?"

"I don't know. He hasn't spoken for a while now. I'm hoping he's asleep. He was…starting to remember again."

At this, another heavy silence descended over the company…which was interrupted when the elf king himself suddenly made an appearance among them with a few of his guards.

"You know something, Oakenshield…I believe I've come up with a better way for us to pass your imprisonment…if you still don't feel up to accepting my offer, that is."

Thorin glared at the elf, growling something in Khuzdul. Thranduil just shook his head, sighing.

"A pity. Bring out the boy," he ordered one of the guards.

"_What?_" Fili snapped when he saw the guard go for Kili's cell. His brother lay unresisting as the elf dragged him out. He wasn't unconscious, but appeared to be in some sort of daze, eyes glazed and staring at nothing…almost as if dead. Quickly, Fili shoved the thought away. "What are you going to do?" he demanded.

"There is pain in this boy…a deep ache. I can sense it. What might happen if my guardsmen were to…add to it?" he asked, eyes focused on Thorin. Before the king could say anything, Fili had already pressed himself back up against the bars, a feral growl rumbling in his chest.

"Thranduil…if you harm him, you will need fear no dragon fire," the golden prince warned him. "I'll end your miserable immortality myself…as I've done to all who have harmed him."

Faintly, Kili's eyes focused on him…and he slowly reached out a hand toward him. "No…Fili…no…"

The elven king gave a soft laugh as he surveyed the elder prince. "And just what do you expect to do, dwarfling? You are helpless. Your king knows how to end this. Look to him to stop it."

"Thorin…you aren't going to let them do this, are you?" Fili demanded of his uncle, almost glad he was unable to see the other dwarf's expression…glad he didn't have to watch Kili's fate shift in the balance.

"Kili…" Thorin whispered.

"No," Kili groaned, body trembling as he squeezed his eyes shut. "Don't. Doing this…won't make anything better, Uncle. Don't…don't let them win. It's only pain."

"No! Kili, _no!_" Fili shouted, throwing his body against the bars with everything he was. "Please! You _cannot do this!_"

"It's okay, Fili," Kili said softly, voice the same warm, gentle tone as if he were reaching out to hold his brother in his arms. "It's okay."

Fili was not appeased by his brother's soothing, though. He continued to throw himself against the bars as the guardsmen stripped Kili of his tunic, crying out as they began to beat him. Kili took it quietly, keeping his eyes fixed on Fili's, trying to tell him it was okay.

In the end, though, it was not okay. When the torture failed to elicit the desired response from the dwarf lord, Thranduil shared a look with the two guardsmen; one looked uncertain, but the other looked…almost excited…and it was this elf who reached for Kili's belt.

"_What are you doing?!_" Fili screeched, his struggles only increasing, rather than decreasing with exhaustion. Angry tears poured down his face as he beat at the bars.

"If the child's pain does not reach your king…it would seem that more still is required," Thranduil said, eyes still fixed on Thorin.

"No, _please!_" Fili cried out as they stripped his lover completely naked. Vaguely, Kili glanced around, panic starting to set in, but he was still too weak to resist.

"Wait…wait…stop…not this," he whispered, his voice choked with horror.

"Take me! Take me instead!" Fili begged. "I'll do anything! Just _please_ don't hurt him! Not like this."

Kili struggled faintly as the two elves forced him to the ground, but he may as well have been a little insect buzzing about for all the effect it had. One elf seized his wrists and pinned them above his head while the second, the eager one, held his hips down.

"No…no…please…anything…mercy," Kili hissed as his legs were forced apart. He wasn't looking at Fili anymore. He had his eyes closed tightly against what was happening to him.

"_STOP!_" Fili screamed. Banging on the bars wasn't doing any good, so he began to tear at his own skin, fingernails digging into his arms, feeling that he had to destroy _something_, accomplish _something_. He couldn't just watch this happen to Kili…and be unable to stop it. "Thorin, make it _stop!_ Mahal, stop, _stop. STOP!_"

Kili continued his feeble struggling and pleading…right until the elf's hands ventured exactly where he didn't want them to be…until they were touching what only Fili should touch. At this, he was gripped by memory and nightmare and he could no longer hold himself together. He let his head fall back and he screamed…a broken, wordless sound of such fear and despair, it stilled the breath of all who heard it. The elf holding his wrists nearly backed away…but the elf who was straddling him did not stop.

Kili fell limp in their arms after that. His glassy eyes stared vacantly at nothing…as if something inside had been broken…had been _murdered_…and all the while, Fili went on screaming and tearing at his flesh, making himself bleed.

_Your fault! Your fault! __**You**__ did this! Why didn't you protect him?! You promised him you would protect him! You _**_promised!_**_ This is _**_your fault!_**

When the elves had finally finished with Kili, Thranduil allowed them to drag him back to his cell, and they left him lying, naked and broken. Thranduil shook his head mockingly before departing.

Fili didn't bother to ask if his brother was all right. He doubted if he would ever be all right again…and he himself felt sick with his anger and hatred and pain. He could almost feel his hate blackening his heart…and he could no longer make himself care. He could no longer hear Kili's gentle words of forgiveness and redemption. All that remained was the red in his vision…the red of his own blood…and the red of Kili's blood…now staining the floor before his cell.

X

They escaped from their peril in the end. Of course. Didn't they always? Their burglar came through for them…even if it hadn't been in time. Kili could sense his brother's anger when the blond swept into his cell, gathering him in his arms and holding him close. Kili couldn't really bring himself to speak. He just clung to Fili as he cradled him in a loving embrace.

"I'm sorry," Fili whispered against his hair, his face still wet with tears. "I'm so sorry. _I_ brought you to this. I'm so sorry I didn't protect you."

Kili shook his head, pressing several gentle kisses to Fili's face to soothe him, unable to move himself to speak. He _knew_ this wasn't his brother's fault. Fili wouldn't always be able to protect him. This was no one's fault…no one but the creatures who had done it to him…and the one who had made him so weak to begin with. He understood this…but still he could not bring his body or his spirit out of the shock he'd fallen into.

"Come on, lad. We don't have a lot of time," Kili faintly heard Dwalin's voice calling from the cell entrance. Then he felt Fili nodding.

"All right. Come on. Let's get you dressed," he said softly, helping Kili to his feet. The younger dwarf kept a hard grip on him all the while, needing to be able to touch his brother in order to hold himself together…and when they were ready, the two young princes joined the rest of the company in following the hobbit to their escape. Kili panicked briefly when he had to be separated from Fili to be loaded into a barrel, but they were together again soon enough when the barrels crashed down into the water below, allowing them to drift together and clasp hands…but just when they were almost free, the elves caught on to them. It seemed they would go back to Thranduil's dungeon…back to his _guardsmen_…and before the distraught young prince could even begin to panic over that, the situation just continued to get progressively worse…surrounded on all sides by elves and orcs. Imprisonment on one hand, death on the other…it seemed there was only one way to escape.

Fili caught his gaze when it shifted between him and the lever to release the floodgate. Kili could see the warning forming on his lips, but he tore himself free before Fili could stop him, fighting the pain in his body from the torture he'd just endured. He was _never_ going back; he would _die_ before he went back…and he would _rather_ die than allow harm to come to his precious brother. One way…only one way.

Then he felt the arrow pierce his leg…and the already unbearable pain increased a hundredfold. The agony was searing…_blinding_…the world seemed to narrow before him. All around him there was darkness…save for the lever…the lever that would bring them salvation. He could faintly hear Fili screaming his name…could hear the others holding him back. Desperately, he wanted to cry out for him.

_Fili, help me. __**Save me!**__ It hurts. It hurts so much! I'm going to _**_die!_**_ Save me, Brother. Please…my love…don't let this happen._

But Fili couldn't help him. He had to help himself…help Fili. That was the driving spark that forced him on…past the pain, despair, and darkness. He almost didn't realize he'd grasped the lever in his hands…not until he heard the gate open.

He collapsed to the cold stone, feeling the cold and the dark closing in…suffocating him. He almost felt he would die right there…but then he heard Fili call his name once more…screaming for him. Fili…he had to get up…he had to go to Fili.

He had to go home.

He was nearly unconscious by the time he fell back into his barrel, but he smiled when he felt Fili grasp his hand once more.

"You bloody fool!" he heard his brother hiss in his ear as he held him as close as he could, what with the barrels being tossed about in the violent arms of the river. "You were always such a fool!"

Kili wasn't truly aware of their escape down the river. All he could focus on was Fili's grip on him. It was the only thing that kept him solid…kept him _real_ in the vastness of his painful waking nightmare. Even the pain of Fili binding his leg wound wasn't quite enough to draw him back to the world of the living. He followed wherever his golden-haired brother led. Fili seemed to be the only light in a world of pain and shifting shadow. He was no longer aware of where they even were…but there was one pinprick of awareness in the darkness of his mind…Fili and Thorin talking…as if he wasn't there…couldn't hear them.

"He hasn't said a word since it happened."

"His…his injury is bad."

"Why wouldn't you stop them?"

"What?"

"You heard me, _Uncle._ You could have stopped it. Why did you let them hurt him?!"

"Because he was right before. Giving in to them wouldn't have made anything better. You have not known Thranduil's indifference toward us…his _cruelty._ His uncaring hands bore the blood of hundreds of our people. To give into him now…would be to live all our lives under his boot. I _know_ you don't want that for your brother…not after what he's suffered."

"He's suffering _now!_ I cannot _bear it!_ To see his eyes so empty…that once shone with beauty and love and life! No jewel beneath any mountain could shine brighter. It's like I've lost him, Thorin. It's like he's already _dead!_"

"Give…just give him time, Fili. He will awake to you. He always has. He will come back to us…back to _you._"

"Sometimes a thing is broken that can _never_ be mended. I have given _everything_ to your rule…my king…I have been a good and loyal nephew to you. Must I now lose the one thing I cannot live without…to a sin neither he nor I committed?"

"Fili-"

"I _cannot_ live without him, Thorin. You _know_ this. If Kili dies…I will die with him…and be glad to. I will not live as Therin did. Perhaps in death…the two of us would finally know peace."

"Fili, _please-_"

"I will hear no more of it! I will not leave his side again, so don't ask it of me. If Kili dies, it will not be Therin or Thranduil that killed him. It will be _you._"

Desperately, Kili wanted to reach out and comfort his brother, but he couldn't make his mouth work…couldn't reach out to touch him through the pain and the dark…and when Thorin commanded him to remain behind, it was not disappointment at being left that he felt. It was fear…fear of being alone with his memories…but then he felt Fili's gentle, loving arms around him once more…guiding him…struggling to hold him above the endless sea he was soon to drown in.

Fili's light could not hold him up forever, though. It was not only despair that was poisoning him; it was actual poison…a fever in his body and mind that he couldn't fight…and as the world went to hell all around him, he lost touch completely…darkness and heat consuming his heart and leaving him with nothing but sickness and illusion. Where Fili had stood only moments before, protecting him, he can now see only Therin.

"_WHY?!_" he screams at him, pounding his chest with his fists…and when the nightmare from his past remains unmovable and unmoved, he slowly collapses at his feet, sobbing, heartbroken. "Why did you do this to me?" he pleads with the dead dwarf, near to death himself.

For a moment, Therin looks confused. "Did…did I do something?"

"You took my life from me," he insists. "Do you not even _know_ me?!"

"I don't know. I think…I know your face, but…it's been so long. I died…such a long time ago."

For a moment, Kili feels pity flickering in his heart. He doesn't see the dwarf who defiled him. He just sees a broken creature. "How did you die?"

"Long ago. So long ago…when the light left my Frerin's eyes."

"And you didn't…follow him?"

"Did I not?" Therin asks, voice heavy with despair. "I must have. I can't…remember anything more."

"There was more," Kili whispers. "So much more. I wish there wasn't, but there was."

"I…I failed, then. He made me promise once…that I would live for myself…not just for him."

"What…what do you mean?" Kili asks, blinking in confusion as Therin kneels with him.

"I wasn't much…worth living for. I don't know why he loved me. No one else ever did…but he once said that I had to care for myself the way I cared for him…or it meant that I thought the thing he loved more than his own life had no value. Did I really find him of so little worth…that the things he loved were worthless, too?" he asks, his eyes bright with years of unshed tears.

"No," Kili says, a strange, unknown fear beginning to fill his belly. "That cannot be. You loved him…didn't you?"

"I don't know anymore. What about you?" he asks, a note of curiosity suddenly in his voice.

"Me?"

"Do you love your One?"

"Yes," he answers without hesitation.

"And do you love yourself?" he presses, reaching out to touch Kili's face. The young prince is almost surprised he does not flinch at the contact.

"No…I don't…think so. I'm…soiled," he answers, feeling the old sorrow beginning to claw at his throat, choking him. "There is no reason for Fili to love me. He…he is _perfect_…everything a dwarf could ever dream of."

"And is the soul this perfect One loves…somehow soiled?"

"I…what do you mean?"

"If you think yourself soiled…then your perfect Fili loves something soiled. Do you think so little of his love?"

"Well…no."

"Then you need to love yourself the way he loves you."

"I…I don't know how."

"Then let him teach you how to love you. Who knows better than he?"

"Is that…even possible?"

"It must be. Why would they ask it of us if it wasn't? If you care about yourself enough…can anyone really hurt you?"

"I _knew_ you would understand," a new voice says. Kili looks up to see…well…himself.

"Frerin!" Therin cries out in joy as the other dwarf sweeps him off his feet. "Mahal, I've missed you! You can't imagine how badly I've missed you."

Kili finds himself somewhat dumbstruck as he watches the joyous reunion. If this is truly his dead uncle, then he can see where Therin had become obsessed. This dwarf is the spitting image of him.

"You've been suffering," his reflection says to him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I just hoped…you would understand…before it was too late."

"I think…that I _do_ understand," he says softly.

"That's good. I know you and your brother will bring honor to this shadowed line. Can…can you tell Thorin I'm sorry?"

At first, Kili just nods, but then manages to make his mouth work and whispers, "Yes."

"Thank you, Kili. It's time for you to wake up now, I think. He still needs you."

As Frerin speaks, Kili feels his reality beginning to shift once more. The darkness begins to fall away, replaced with soft white light, and a gentle voice speaking words he cannot understand, but that comfort him nonetheless. He sees a somewhat familiar face. Tauriel? More importantly, though, he feels a hand holding his, his head resting in a familiar lap, and a beloved voice calling out to him, pleading, whispering his name with infinite tenderness.

"Kili, please. Please don't leave me. Don't leave me here by myself. I can't live without you. Please, Kili, _please!_ I love you. Don't leave me."

And he doesn't. Somehow he holds onto his brother's love, holding it close to him and using it as an anchor for his wavering soul…and slowly, the light and the words draw him back.

When Kili finally woke, he found his brother sitting beside him, their hands still clasped tightly together. When Fili snapped from his own light doze and saw him smiling weakly at him, a shocked smile lit his own eyes.

"You came back to me," he whispered, voice breaking as he pulled him into his arms. Kili returned the embrace as best he could.

"Of _course_ I came back. I wouldn't leave you."

"The she-elf saved your life. Tauriel. She used some sort of elf magic to heal you."

Kili nodded, knowing that was true, but also knowing there was _more_ to the truth.

"Not her alone, Nadad. You. I came back for _you,_" he said softly, drawing his lover down into a gentle, loving kiss. Fili smiled down at him when they separated to take a breath.

"You can't know how glad I am to see you awake…awake and speaking. Even…even before the poison set in…it was like you were in a trance. Tauriel says you should be able to walk again in just a few days."

"I'm all right, Fili," he said quietly, and when the older dwarf did nothing more than smile at him, he gripped his arm a little harder, looking directly into his eyes and trying to make him understand by repeating firmly, "I'm all right."

Comprehension slowly started to dawn in Fili's eyes as he settled himself back beside him, reaching out a hand to stroke his hair. "You _are_ all right. Do you…need to talk about it?"

"No…but I think _you_ do. Do you still hate them? The elves?"

Fili thought on it a moment before answering with, "I did…but then Tauriel risked her life to come and help you. They cannot be all bad…but I hope you do not mean to ask me to forgive those that hurt you," he said, a quiet snarl entering his voice.

"No, I don't ask you to forgive…but I don't ask you to avenge me, either. I want to move on from this. It isn't the elves I'm worried about, though."

"Thorin?" Fili asked quietly after several moments of Kili just staring at him. When his little brother nodded, he sighed heavily. "So many times…so many times, he had the power to stop your pain…and he did nothing. I don't know _what_ to feel anymore, Kili. I _want_ to understand. I _want_ to be a good nephew…but I just feel so _angry_…all the time…angry and hurt and betrayed. How could he let those things happen to you? I don't understand. It's like he did it to _me!_ Every hurt you suffer is like a scar on my heart. I _want_ to get past it; I just don't know _how!_ Kili…you asked me once…to show you how to live. Can I ask the same of you now?" he asked, reaching out a hesitant hand to touch Kili's face. Kili looked on him with sorrow in his eyes.

"Fili…do you hate him…more than you love me?"

Of all the things Fili had expected to hear, that was certainly not it. Feeling shocked, he drew back from Kili.

"No! Of course not! I feel nothing in the world as strong as my love for you."

"Really? Because I'm not even sure it's Thorin you're angry at."

"What are you talking about?"

"Twelve years ago…when you held me…after he was dead…and in the cells…when they forced my legs apart…who was it you hated most in those moments?" Kili asked him, the expression on his face gentle as he waited for an answer…and as he thought on it, Fili felt himself begin to tremble.

"Myself," he finally answered, tears stinging at his eyes. "I hated _myself._ I was angry at my_self._"

"Why?" Kili asked, even though he already knew.

"Because I couldn't protect you. I couldn't keep safe the one thing I love above all others. How can I be worthy of you…if I cannot even keep you from harm?"

"And do you hate the one thing _I_ love above all others?" he asked quietly.

"I…" Fili could find no words for that. It almost seemed…silly…when put that way.

"I've hated myself…for being weak…for allowing myself to become a victim…for being unworthy of you. I've hated myself so much…but how can I hate what you love?" he asked, reaching out to take Fili's hands in his. "It isn't right…and how can _you_ hate what _I_ love? We will never know peace…so long as we do not care for ourselves as we care for each other. It's…the only real way to honor our love."

For a long while after, the pair didn't speak. They just looked at each other. Fili didn't realize he was crying until Kili leaned forward to kiss the tears away.

"Look at me…going on like a dwarfling," Fili mumbled, pulling his baby brother into his arms. "You make this whole tangled web seem so ridiculous…when you put it like that."

"I'm ready to live again, Azyungal. Are you?" he asked, smiling at him as he held his face in his hands.

"Yes. I'm ready," Fili said, kissing him softly. "I'm afraid, though…some of the things I said…Thorin might be starting to go over the edge."

"Then we need to get back to him. We need to tell him we're all right."

"We'll set out just as soon as you can walk again," Fili said, resting his forehead against Kili's.

That was the moment the town's warning bells began to ring.

X

_There's a swell of cheering from the dwarves as the orcs are turned back, fleeing for the safety of their stolen halls. Thorin feels the moment of pride, of his victory, but he also feels a chill of foreboding._

_ He knows where he is._

_ "__**THORIN!**__" a horrified voice screams…and he follows the familiar path through his nightmare…the running, the struggle for breath, the shock and disbelief…_

_ …only it isn't his brother lying dead._

_ It's Fili._

_ The golden prince, his heir, his sister-son…is lying with his armor rent and his golden hair matted with blood, blue eyes gazing blankly at nothing. His head is cradled in Kili's lap._

_ Kili is devastated. He cradles his love gently, but tears stream endlessly down his face as horrible, heart-wrenching screams tear from his throat…harrowing, wordless sounds of ultimate grief and suffering…and when his gaze fixes on Thorin, his dark eyes become desperate._

_ "Kill me," he pleads, voice echoing another plea the king had been unable to grant. _

_ "Kili-"_

_ "Kill me…please…before I become like him…kill me…kill me."_

_ "I…I __**can't-**__"_

_ "__**Kill me!**__" he cries out, pulling away from Fili's body and crawling to him, grasping desperately at his feet. "If you cannot protect me, Uncle…can you not at least give me peace? Please…send me to be with my brother."_

_ "How can you ask me to give __**both**__ of you up?!" he snarls as he shoves Kili away. The boy just lies on the bloodstained ground, crying and laughing, already half mad._

_ "You already __**have**__ lost both of us. Kill me now. Just _**_end it!_**_"_

_ "Kili…please…"_

_ "__**KILL ME!**__"_

"_NOOO!_" Thorin screamed as he bolted awake from the nightmare. It took him several minutes to realize he was _not_ trapped in the midst of a fight he could never win. He was in the treasure room of Erebor. Smaug was dead. His enemies were closing in around him…and Fili and Kili were alive. _Alive!_

He'd gone near out of his mind thinking his two nephews had burned with Esgaroth…and then near out of his mind with relief when they had come back to him alive. They had both seemed different, but he hadn't truly put much thought into what that difference was. He had immediately withdrawn inside the mountain with the rest of the company, near dragging Fili and Kili to its perceived safety. He'd refused to treat with either the men or the elves.

It wasn't so much that he wanted the mountain's riches for himself. In fact, now that he saw the glittering horde, it did not seem as lovely as it had when he was young. It was simply that he did not want to share this wealth with they that had hurt his nephews. Thranduil was a villain more times over than could be counted, and even though the treacherous weasel who had ruled Lake Town was no longer in charge, Bofur and Oin had informed him the man had intended to use Fili and Kili as leverage to get his grubby hands on a share of the treasure before they'd made their escape in the aftermath of Smaug's wrath. Really, the greedy fool needn't have worried. He'd fully intended to give the people their fair share…right up until this plot had come to light. Now he would see to it none of those grasping little goblins ever saw a single gold coin. He would have no living soul profit from harming his nephews. They had come to too much harm already.

Bilbo had reluctantly given the Arkenstone over to him after the treachery of the elves and men had been revealed to him, and in the name of the king's jewel, Thorin had called out to Dain, calling for his cousin's aid. He was confident they could hold out here until a contingent from the Iron Hills arrived. Their enemies would regret ever tangling with the dwarves.

"Thorin?" he suddenly heard a small voice call out to him. The king looked up to see their burglar moving toward him from around a pile of gems, followed closely by Fili and Kili. "Are you all right?"

"Fine, Bilbo. Only the darkening dreams of an addled mind. They mean nothing. We are safe here," he said, his gaze briefly shifting to his two sister-sons.

"Thorin," Fili began quietly, sitting down beside him. "You have not spoken a word to Kili or I since we returned to you."

Thorin sighed heavily, his eyes alighting on the bandages wrapped around Fili's arms before he looked away from his golden heir. "Must we go through it again, Fili? I already _know_ your thoughts of your uncle and I do not begrudge you them. You have every right…only don't make me hear it again. I can bear your hate…so long as you are both alive and safe to feel anything at all. Will you not leave me to my shame?" he pleaded, drawing a knee up to his chest, but resisting the urge to curl fully into himself. Whether or not they knew it, they still needed him…still needed him to be strong.

"We don't hate you, Uncle," he heard Kili's voice plying softly at his ear, hearing the clink of gold as the younger also knelt beside him.

"Why not?"

"Why should we? None of it was your fault…not really. I don't hate anyone. Hate is a poison in the blood just as vile as what the orcs used against me."

"If you continue this senseless conflict with Bard and Thranduil, the only ones it will hurt is us…hiding in this dead mountain," Fili said.

"What would you have me _do?_" Thorin hissed. "To treat with them now…how is it different from when I let Therin go free? How can I make alliance with them…when they've hurt you? The dragon is dead. The mountain is ours again. Nothing else matters…nothing but keeping all of you safe," he said, gazing among the three of them…the only family he had left…and the halfling he'd become so close with. Bilbo was the last to kneel before him, forcing their eyes to lock together with a fierce gaze of his own.

"Thorin…I might have been afraid to call you out once, but I have since faced down a dragon. Forgive me if I don't find Thorin Oakenshield at all intimidating anymore."

Thorin smiled sadly at the fierce little hobbit, almost wanting to chuckle. "All right, little one. Speak your mind."

"I did not give you the Arkenstone for you to spread more anger and hatred. I did it because I didn't realize what Thranduil had done and I was shocked…and I saw how you wanted to keep Fili and Kili safe. But now…now you won't even look at them. Is _this_ how you keep them from harm? _Speak_ to them. Hear what they have to say. We don't have to fight. I don't want to see you do this to yourself."

"What can I do, Bilbo? What but atone for my sins?" he asked softly, reaching out a hand to touch the halfling's hairless cheek.

"Yes," Kili began quietly. "It's true. Thranduil hurt me…but Tauriel and Legolas saved my life. I would have _died_ were it not for them. Lake Town's master _meant_to hurt us…but Bard was the one who gave us shelter when we were most in need…even though it wasn't in his best interest. We cannot close our hearts against all elves…or all men…for the deeds of but a few. Do you hate all dwarves…for what Therin did to me?"

Thorin flinched at the mention of his former friend. Therin was the source of all of it…yet it wasn't _him_ that he hated. It wasn't the elves or the men or even the dragon. It was something deeper…

"Uncle…it wasn't your fault," Kili repeated gently. "It wasn't anyone's fault. I don't want anyone to suffer for it anymore."

Finally, Thorin looked at Kili, the one who had suffered most of all…the one he had no right to even look at…and did not see the pain he'd expected to see in his eyes…the cracking front of a little child trying so desperately to be strong. No. He saw compassion…healing and light. The helpless, injured soul he had been was washed away when stood beside the dwarf he had become.

"You hate yourself…don't you?" Fili asked him…and when he heard the words, he knew they were true.

"Yes," he whispered, realizing that Fili and Kili had confronted this in themselves as his two sister-sons and the hobbit all moved in to embrace him.

"Please, Thorin…please. No more hatred; it has to stop," Kili pleaded with them as the three of them held him, soothing and loving…and as the tears he'd held back for so long slowly began to spill down his face, he nodded.

"You are right," he said, looking to the three that he loved so much, a smile at his mouth, but tears in his eyes. When he looked past them, he saw that the rest of the company had also gathered around them: Balin, Dori and Nori, Oin and Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur…and Dwalin and Ori…standing together. He'd never told his best friend how happy he was for them…and he would have risked destroying their love in combat…right along with Fili and Kili's love…and Bilbo…

"We'll go to them in the morning."

X

"Fili! Kili!" Thorin called desperately as he wandered the bloodstained battlefield, searching for his nephews.

Just because the dwarves had cemented an alliance with the elves and the men of Lake Town didn't necessarily prevent war. They had still been attacked by an army of goblins and orcs, but they had thankfully been able to put up a fully united front against their enemies. Only Thorin had lost track of his sister-sons during the fighting…and when Bilbo ran toward him with a look of hopelessness in his eyes, his heart sank even further.

"Nothing," Bilbo reported. "I've had no sign of them."

"We've got to find them. We've got to _find them!_" he repeated several times as he and Bilbo continued the search together. He wasn't sure whether to feel relief or terror when Dwalin's voice finally called out to them.

"Over here! We've found 'em!"

Once again, Thorin was pounding across blood-soaked ground, the only sound the harshness of his own breath, loud in his ears.

_Please. Please. Please! Mahal, have mercy!_

Kili was helping Fili to walk up from a hollow piled high with dead orcs. Oin and Ori were rushing to help, but when Thorin reached them, they both collapsed before him.

"Oh, Mahal," he whispered, joining them on the ground. "You…you're not…please don't-"

Rather than grief and pain in his eyes, though, Kili was smiling when he looked up at him. "Just a few flesh wounds…and something a little deeper on the dwarfling here. We're fine, Uncle."

Thorin returned Kili's smile…but still didn't quite believe him until Oin had given them a brief glance over and nodded his agreement.

"Thorin," Fili groaned, pain lacing his voice as he looked up at him, "we want you…to marry us."

For a moment, the king was slightly stunned. Whatever he'd been expecting, that certainly wasn't it. "But we…nothing's been prepared. We can't yet reach the Sanctuary-"

"We don't care," Kili insisted. "We can have an official version later, if you'd like, but we don't want to wait one second longer. We want to be married. You have the power…please…let us have this."

"All…all right," Thorin finally stuttered, laying his hands on their shoulders. Smiling helplessly, he looked to those members of the company who had managed to join them. "Are those present willing to stand as witnesses?"

One by one, they all nodded their consent, even Bilbo, though he didn't fully understand what was happening. Thorin knew that he didn't need any long-winded speeches for this moment. His two sister-sons wanted only the words…the words that would bind them together just as tightly in flesh as they already were in soul. Slowly, Thorin dropped his hands to theirs, joining them together.

"When the Maker first fashioned our kind…at the beginning of the world…he made a promise to each of the Seven Fathers: that he would fashion for each of them a twin soul…a love to make their lives complete…a partner to share both joy and sorrow. That covenant has been kept…and will be kept…for all of time. We are not so lucky as the First Fathers…to have our twin souls just given to us…but still, for each dwarf born, there is made another. There is One…One whose soul is made for each one of us…as ours are made for them. Some never find that precious One…and others still are kept from each other…but when we find our One…it is a more beauteous treasure than anything that lies beneath earth and stone. Now, as it was in the beginning, and shall be ever more, two souls have found that precious promise in each other…and have become stronger, better, and wiser than they ever could have been alone. Fili, son of Vili, prince of Erebor," he said, turning to his heir. "Do you swear to honor, protect, provide for, and love the dwarf at your side for all of your days to come?"

"I so swear," Fili said, though he looked ready to collapse completely. "The strength of my arm and my heart shall be given for his sweet sake."

"Kili, son of Vili, do you swear to honor, protect, provide for, and love the dwarf at your side for all of your days to come?"

"I so swear," Kili echoed, nothing able to dampen the smile in his lovely dark eyes. "The love of my soul and the breath in my body shall be given for the sake of he whom my soul loves above all others."

"Then, with the blessings of the First Father in my veins, and with the joining of your hands, I pronounce the two of you wed, joined for all your life, and beyond death," he announced, kissing their joined hands before moving back from them, allowing the pair their moment.

In that moment, the two brothers just gazed at each other. They had put this off, probably much longer than they should have, with so many excuses piling up around them…and now, in the wake of battle…of nearly losing each other…they were finally joined…secure in their love for each other and the strength of their bond to overcome even the impossible. Smiling with tears burning in their eyes, they threw their arms around each other and kissed, their passion for each other a hundred times deeper and stronger than any hatred or sorrow that had come before had ever been.

There was more still to come, of course, much more. Rebuilding a fallen kingdom would not be an easy task…nor would burying the dead or hunting out the last of the enemy. A great many challenges lay ahead for the young royal pair and their companions, but for the moment, the two were content to bask in their wedded bliss…to feel the sweet press of lips and the comforting grip of hands, and to hear the tender whisper of 'I love you' through the cold wind that swept through the hard won field of battle.

XxX

(A/N) Well, hopefully this is a nice solid bit of closure for this world. I suppose I just had to horrify myself a little, as I tend to do when I write about Therin. This particular world is closed, I think, but we may not have seen the last of this tragic villain. And yes, for those of you beginning to wonder what happened to them, the next story _will_ be a fairy tale.


End file.
